Dear Office_Shredder

[Office_Shredder]

I've decided to become TAO's resident personal help specialist, in hopes of getting a cushy job at a newspaper telling people how to live their lives (I need some practice). So everyone can just post their problems here, and I'll tell you how to deal with it*


*Solution may or may not be crafted to ensure total destruction of your social livelyhood

[Walrus]

kan u gimme sum sound finanzial advis?

[Jeffery]

Dear OS,

There are these people, in this place, where I go. And every so often one of them decides to set up a help column. I am not sure what to do, so I usually tell them they are idjuts.
What should I do when this happens?

Signs,
Confusious say wha?

[Office_Shredder]

kan u gimme sum sound finanzial advis?

A lot of people will suggest you invest in this thing called the "stock market". I prefer to call it the "rip off the poor loser who's not in our buddy circle." Instead, invest in a combination of water powered cars and piggy banks scattered strategically throughout your backyard... to make sure you can find your piggy banks, put big signs pointing at them and the amount of money that's in each one. Also, remember that if something has a high price tag, it's probably because it's totally worth it.

If your significant other is in control of your financial life, kill him/her so you can take his/her money. If you're caught, plead insanity, and prove it by killing the judge. No sane person would kill a judge in a courtroom full of security guards. If you're having trouble killing said judge, smuggle a knife in by shoving it up your ass. It'll hurt walking for a little while, but it gets the job done.

[Office_Shredder]

Dear OS,

There are these people, in this place, where I go. And every so often one of them decides to set up a help column. I am not sure what to do, so I usually tell them they are idjuts.
What should I do when this happens?

Signs,
Confusious say wha?

COnfusious, you're in a very difficult period of your life. It is clear that the people you talk to are trying to manipulate you for personal benefit, with no regard for how much competition I'll have. I would suggest buying one of those new 40 ton trucks Jeep has come out with... I hear they're very good for relieving stres.

[Jonspen]

Dear OS,

Im being stalked, how can I describe the man. He is round, wears red shoes, and has 2 niceley crafted hand guns. Oh yea, he tastes good salted.

Signs,

Hugh Isit

[DUNG]

I've decided to become TAO's resident personal help specialist, in hopes of getting a cushy job at a newspaper telling people how to live their lives (I need some practice). So everyone can just post their problems here, and I'll tell you how to deal with it*


*Solution may or may not be crafted to ensure total destruction of your social livelyhood

* If you make my life miserable il sue and by the way this little dot indicates ont those commercials when they put it after the free that its not really free so i have decided to be his clerk so im really the smart one.. lol :cool: Ill be chillin wid his billin

*they needa Bill Gates smiley....

[Catsluck]

Dear OS,
Do you realize how similar this is to my thread 'Dear Vivian,'?

[ArcPaladinZero]

Dear OS,

Make Dung shrink his friggin' banner.

[Office_Shredder]

Dear OS,

Im being stalked, how can I describe the man. He is round, wears red shoes, and has 2 niceley crafted hand guns. Oh yea, he tastes good salted.

Signs,

Hugh Isit

Stand still for five more seconds....

[Office_Shredder]

Dear OS,
Do you realize how similar this is to my thread 'Dear Vivian,'?

No

Dear OS,

Make Dung shrink his friggin' banner.

It's clear that you're suffering an inferiority complex. Try making really big banners and putting them into new noob accounts that you make. Then take 2 bottles of aspirin, and if you're still alive call me in the morning.

[Jonspen]

*runs*

[Office_Shredder]

*runs*

You can't just run from your problems. Your inclination to do so hints at a larger problem, perhaps a recent fight with your mother. I would suggest you write a letter of apology immediately, along with a $500 check. Better yet, send the check to me and I'll give it to her personally. That way all the water will be under the bridge and over the dam... so build a dam over a bridge, and try and figure out where the water goes. If you can't afford a dam, I have a 500 dollar check I can donate to help you out

[theburning]

Hi OS.
I was just wondering if you have any tips on how to remove all the nice from my driveway?

I just went out to get something out of my car and nearly died.
The ice is so dangerous!

[Office_Shredder]

Hi OS.
I was just wondering if you have any tips on how to remove all the nice from my driveway?

I just went out to get something out of my car and nearly died.
The ice is so dangerous!

An icy driveway represents a belief that if you try to leave your current lifestyle, you will die. You have to believe that you can fly free, and move to Mexico before the Feds catch you after I finish pinning my years of smuggling on you. The best way to do this is to buy 100 packs of those little easter chick marshmallows, and eat them all at once. You'll be so fat you won't be able to not feel safe.

[theburning]

An icy driveway represents a belief that if you try to leave your current lifestyle, you will die. You have to believe that you can fly free, and move to Mexico before the Feds catch you after I finish pinning my years of smuggling on you. The best way to do this is to buy 100 packs of those little easter chick marshmallows, and eat them all at once. You'll be so fat you won't be able to not feel safe.

I'm not exactly sure if or not this is the solution that's right for me.

Here are a few problems:
- I don't think I'll be able to find those little Easter chick marshmallows at this time of the year
- I seem to have misplaced my birth certificate and passport so I doubt I'll be able to get into Mexico
- I don't really like those Easter chick marshmallows.

Any other ideas?
I’ve thought of putting salt onto the walkway but decided against it when I realized we don’t have any here.

My other solution was to wait until it snows enough to cover the ice & wait until it melts in the spring.

[Office_Shredder]

Try finding some depleted uranium, wait 1.4 billion years for half of it to turn into lead, throw it into a solution with some flourine gas, hope they react to form an ionic solution, and use that as your salt.

[Medemia]

Dear OS,

Whenever I try to log on to any of the servers to beat up some gold accounts, it always says that the servers are full. How can I get over this deep-seated need to beat up noob gold accounts when the servers are always full?

Squi... A Jumper of Golds

[Office_Shredder]

Dear OS,

Whenever I try to log on to any of the servers to beat up some gold accounts, it always says that the servers are full. How can I get over this deep-seated need to beat up noob gold accounts when the servers are always full?

Squi... A Jumper of Golds

Squi... A Jumper of Golds. I think that you need to try intense sexual therapy. I when your "server" is always "full", it usually means you're hesitant about your impotency. Try contacting the National Impotent Association (1-800-IMP-OTENT) for more information

[Medemia]

Squi... A Jumper of Golds. I think that you need to try intense sexual therapy. I when your "server" is always "full", it usually means you're hesitant about your impotency. Try contacting the National Impotent Association (1-800-IMP-OTENT) for more information

Dear O_S,
My wife wishes to thank you. She was very happy with your advice and now she can't get enough of me. It's great, but sometimes I need to stop to eat. Do you have any suggestions to make my stomache "full"?
Hungry Guy

[Walrus]

A lot of people will suggest you invest in this thing called the "stock market". I prefer to call it the "rip off the poor loser who's not in our buddy circle." Instead, invest in a combination of water powered cars and piggy banks scattered strategically throughout your backyard... to make sure you can find your piggy banks, put big signs pointing at them and the amount of money that's in each one. Also, remember that if something has a high price tag, it's probably because it's totally worth it.

If your significant other is in control of your financial life, kill him/her so you can take his/her money. If you're caught, plead insanity, and prove it by killing the judge. No sane person would kill a judge in a courtroom full of security guards. If you're having trouble killing said judge, smuggle a knife in by shoving it up your ass. It'll hurt walking for a little while, but it gets the job done.

fanx o-s i tryd stabingg mislef but it dident wurk.

kan u gime sum advis abowt geting nives out ovv mi azz?

[lostandconfused]

^^Big shit.

[Walrus]

i tryd thatt all-reddy but oll it did woz makk teh karpet set onn firre.

now mi houz iz burned down fanx 2 u o-s! i h8 u! u dezerv 2 di!!!!!1111

[Office_Shredder]

Dear O_S,
My wife wishes to thank you. She was very happy with your advice and now she can't get enough of me. It's great, but sometimes I need to stop to eat. Do you have any suggestions to make my stomache "full"?
Hungry Guy

If you need to take a food break, just keep a pile of random edibles next to the bed. Then, in the middle of the deed, calmly reach over and start eating. If that's not a turn off, I don't know what is. It should buy you half an hour of peace and quiet

[Office_Shredder]

fanx o-s i tryd stabingg mislef but it dident wurk.

kan u gime sum advis abowt geting nives out ovv mi azz?

Take a second knife, and put a horizontal incision across your butt cheeks. Then, spread your butt open wide (top and bottom), reach in, and pull it out.

[Cephas]

Dear O_S,

I've always wanted to write into one of these advice columns, but I never know what to write. What should I write?

Iggy, guru of confusion

[Office_Shredder]

Dear O_S,

I've always wanted to write into one of these advice columns, but I never know what to write. What should I write?

Iggy, guru of confusion

Writing in an advice column is an opportunity you should cherish. Things to include are: credit card no., mother's maiden name, SS no., address, phone no.

[Cephas]

Writing in an advice column is an opportunity you should cherish. Things to include are: credit card no., mother's maiden name, SS no., address, phone no.
Dear O_S,

I would like to consult you on a matter. My mother, who's a retired SS officer, addressed a council of maidenly transexual nazi eskimos with names like Ugh!!!. She gave them her phone no. at the end, but most of them got carded at a bar where they were given no. credit. My question is, should I lend them some cash?

Strap'd 4$

[Office_Shredder]

Dear O_S,

I would like to consult you on a matter. My mother, who's a retired SS officer, addressed a council of maidenly transexual nazi eskimos with names like Ugh!!!. She gave them her phone no. at the end, but most of them got carded at a bar where they were given no. credit. My question is, should I lend them some cash?

Strap'd 4$

I would suggest you look at the heart of the matter: your father's sexual abuse during your early teen years. I would suggest a combination of therapeutical therapy and sending me money so you realize what it's like to be poor.

[DFG]

Dear Office_Shredder,

Something that annoys me on an almost daily basis is the fact that people don't realise that they're idiots.

What can I do to make people acknowlegde their own stupidity?

Yours,
DeadFishGuy

[Chingy]

Dear O_S,

I need help, I have a psychic ability to see dumb people, however, they're everywhere no matter where I go I see them it's as if everyone I see is dumb, so I want to get rid of it, any ideas?

[***Duo***]

Dear O_S,

I am here to question your unfathomable ability to reveal that which tends to confid others minds. I must ask you, how do you do this??


-Duo

[Catsluck]

No



It's clear that you're suffering an inferiority complex. Try making really big banners and putting them into new noob accounts that you make. Then take 2 bottles of aspirin, and if you're still alive call me in the morning.
thats weird considering my thread the same small fonted warning note as yours. :eek: weird.

[Office_Shredder]

Dear Office_Shredder,

Something that annoys me on an almost daily basis is the fact that people don't realise that they're idiots.

What can I do to make people acknowlegde their own stupidity?

Yours,
DeadFishGuy
DeadFishGuy, you should try confronting your mother on her drug abuse before you let it get any further. That you let it get as far as it has is despicable, if she sinks any further you deserve to get shot. The way you're acting toward this, I'm guessing you're an idiot that doesn't know it

Dear O_S,

I need help, I have a psychic ability to see dumb people, however, they're everywhere no matter where I go I see them it's as if everyone I see is dumb, so I want to get rid of it, any ideas?

Call Steven Spieldsberg, tell him you have a new parody movie idea, and when he asks what it is: "I see dumb people." Go around with a video camera pointing out people who are dumb, and if they don't pay you sufficient blackmail, put them in the video.

By the end of the year alll the dumb people will avoid you, AND you'll be richer


Dear O_S,

I am here to question your unfathomable ability to reveal that which tends to confid others minds. I must ask you, how do you do this??


-Duo

I have a random letter generator which spits out responses. Using a similar method to 1000 monkeys pounding on type writers to get a work of shakespear, I allow it to spit out random paragraphs until I get a suitable response.

thats weird considering my thread the same small fonted warning note as yours. weird.

That IS weird... if I've ever seen that thread, it was definitely waaay in the past.... since I don't remember a scotch about it.

I guess great minds think alike :cool:

[Cephas]

That IS weird... if I've ever seen that thread, it was definitely waaay in the past.... since I don't remember a scotch about it.

I guess great minds think alike :cool:
And little minds seldom differ. We're talking about Vival here, O_S; do you really want that association?

[Chingy]

Call Steven Spieldsberg
Good plan but, what's his number?

[DUNG]

^^Big shit.

Dear Office_Shredder
^
I know this kid named lostandconfused and he needs small DUNG....

Sicerely,

The toilet brother who cares

[Office_Shredder]

Dear Office_Shredder
^
I know this kid named lostandconfused and he needs small DUNG....

Sicerely,

The toilet brother who cares

Try taking him to a homosexual strip club. He'll fit right in

[Terps rock]

dear offister shredear,
(use french accent)

you keep taking up my spot and posting domination, how must i stop you

sincerley, terps rock

[Walrus]

Dear O_S

i rebilt my houz nouw butt it iznt NE gud.

houw kan i mak it gud agane?


fanx

[Office_Shredder]

dear offister shredear,
(use french accent)

you keep taking up my spot and posting domination, how must i stop you

sincerley, terps rock

You really have two options:
Kill me (I'm the chosen one, that won't be easy)
Bribe me (It might cost you about a stick of gum :D )


Dear O_S

i rebilt my houz nouw butt it iznt NE gud.

houw kan i mak it gud agane?


fanx

Try hiring an outside contractor. Before work starts, ask to see his book of excuses. He is required by law to show it to you. If it's less than 50 pages single spaced size ten font, don't hire them (not enough experience). Then demand to read every excuse, and only actually excuse them if it's not in the book

[DUNG]

Dear O_S ,

People keep making stupid posts...
The Cheat is still alive WHAT SHOULD WE DO!!!!!!!

sincerely

DUNG/Lemony Flippit

[Office_Shredder]

Dear O_S ,

People keep making stupid posts...
The Cheat is still alive WHAT SHOULD WE DO!!!!!!!

sincerely

DUNG/Lemony Flippit

DUNG/Lemony Flippit:
I would suggest living in the country for 6 weeks. That should adequately lower your intelligence so you believe all those stupid posts are intelligent. While in the country, you'll meet your long lost sister. She'll try to kill you in the dark for attempting to sleep with her lover (which you won't), so make sure you have a knife under your pillow at all times (She's going to use it to kill you). If you're wondering how I know this: I have a quasi-crystalline ball at 0K that shows me the future.

On the topic of cheat: 15 kg of heavy water usually does the trick, without leaving any traces either

[DUNG]

Dear Office_Shredder.

Remeber when spam was what you ate ( no, CORRECT) welll now its 99.99
of Armageddon ( that teensy 1 percent is when people actually have fun).
There also seems to be an alarming amount of people who surf porn and are bringing it up on TAO. They should ban it in the filter and how come some gold accounts can bypass the filter completly??

DUNG

Location: in you chamberpot/toilet/couldron/lavatory

ps: need another way to kill The Cheat, I dropped the crystal ball on my feet ( It was a crystal ball right?*viewer discretion advised*

[arendt]

Dear Office_shredder,

I've been stalking Jonspen for a while now, but he wond stand still. What Should I do? All this creeping around is depressing. The only thing that seems to help is looking at the picture of Jodie Foster I carry in my wallet.

Thanks,

me

[Walrus]

d34r o-s

de ouside kontrakter sed hiz dogg 8 his excuz buk. nouw wot?

[Office_Shredder]

Dear Office_Shredder.

Remeber when spam was what you ate ( no, CORRECT) welll now its 99.99
of Armageddon ( that teensy 1 percent is when people actually have fun).
There also seems to be an alarming amount of people who surf porn and are bringing it up on TAO. They should ban it in the filter and how come some gold accounts can bypass the filter completly??

DUNG

Location: in you chamberpot/toilet/couldron/lavatory

ps: need another way to kill The Cheat, I dropped the crystal ball on my feet ( It was a crystal ball right?*viewer discretion advised*

Gold accounts can bypass the filter because the game realizes they're so full of crap that anything they say will be filtered, and therefore they can't be filtered (they pay, so must be allowed to play the game).

Another way to kill The Cheat is to give him positive rep... apparently the last time that happened a pig flew into the air until hell froze over, dragging it down to earth on top of cheat.

Dear Office_shredder,

I've been stalking Jonspen for a while now, but he wond stand still. What Should I do? All this creeping around is depressing. The only thing that seems to help is looking at the picture of Jodie Foster I carry in my wallet.

Thanks,

me

Try shooting jonspen with a tranquilizer dart. After that he should be still long enough for you to have your way with him.

d34r o-s

de ouside kontrakter sed hiz dogg 8 his excuz buk. nouw wot?

Call the Department of Contractor Excuse Abuse at 1-900-Contrabuse and explain your situation

[Walrus]

Originally Posted by n00b

i resent that

[Office_Shredder]

i resent that

If you have a complaint to file about my letter responses, call 1-900-my-moola and file your complaint. Calls are 10 dollars a minute, plus $15 for every minute past the ith (yes, that would be the number (-1)^1/2 ). Since no one knows when the ith minute is, we can just charge you willy nilly while putting you on hold for unspecified purposes.

I mean.... we respect each and every caller

[DUNG]

Gold accounts can bypass the filter because the game realizes they're so full of crap that anything they say will be filtered, and therefore they can't be filtered (they pay, so must be allowed to play the game).

Another way to kill The Cheat is to give him positive rep... apparently the last time that happened a pig flew into the air until hell froze over, dragging it down to earth on top of cheat.



Try shooting jonspen with a tranquilizer dart. After that he should be still long enough for you to have your way with him.



Call the Department of Contractor Excuse Abuse at 1-900-Contrabuse and explain your situation


I am Gold and I cant cuss...

[Office_Shredder]

I am Gold and I cant cuss...

That's because you're intelligent

[DUNG]

That's because you're intelligent

Thankyou
Can I join SI???

[Office_Shredder]

Thankyou
Can I join SI???

Why are you asking me? I'm the leader of the tribunal (if the banner, sig, and CUT didn't make it obvious)

[DUNG]

Why are you asking me? I'm the leader of the tribunal (if the banner, sig, and CUT didn't make it obvious)

I thought some1 would see