S_K_O_F
02-12-2006, 09:26 PM
I posted this in the other "30 things" thread, but it would seem that no one noticed. This one is an original Skoffer Revelation. I didn't take this from anywhere but my own mind. Any similarities to any other email or post is strictly unintentional.
I know that many of you guys won't agree with this post completely. But remember, this is from men who aren't pussies.
Here we go!
1. I will not go to the store to buy you any kind of feminine product. If you ask, I will say no, and then politely tell you that you should do it yourself. If you persist, I will get pissed and then walk away and ignore you.
2. I will buy you flowers on occasion, as long as that occasion is not your birthday, Valentine's Day, or an anniversary. If you receive flowers, it will be because I felt like you deserved them and couldn't help myself.
3. I am a perverted bastard and I do want to get you naked. If it were socially acceptable, I would want you naked in my private presence 100% of the time.
4. Because I am not a pussy, I don't expect to know where you are all the time. In fact, unless I ask for the information, just conveniently forget to tell me. Because if I don't ask, I don't care. Only insecure pussy men have to stalk their girlfriends.
5. I am with you because I am attracted to you, in many ways, and I enjoy spending my time with you. There is no need to ask me questions that are meant to console your insecurities. Take the fact that I am with you as your consolation.
6. I would prefer it if you were the "ideal" body size and shape. I want a girl with a super model body and a 130 IQ. If you do not meet these specifications, it does not mean that I don't love you. Remember, I would also like to be a Jedi, and have Neo's powers. I understand the impossibility of those wishes and am willing to live with less.
7. If I am not pleasing you, in any way you can think of, feel free to tell me about it. I will consider your request and do 1 of 2 things. I will either realize that you are right and attempt to adjust things adequatly, or I will do my best to explain to you why I am incapable of fullfilling your request. If the second is the case, and you cannot deal with it, you know what you can do.
8. When you are on your period, it is OK to let me know. And I will fully expect you to alert me during PMS. When it starts, tell me. This way I know when you are going to act more stupid than normal. This way I can adjust to provide logic for two people and not just myself.
9. I LOVE BOOBS! I am sorry. I can't help it. I will try to touch yours on occasion. Please, be prepared for this and don't act surprised when I do so. If you do not want them to be touched, just humor me for 5 seconds. I will get my fill and leave you alone.
10. Feel free to touch me any place, at any time. I will more than likely like it. If I do not, I will let you know.
11. I play video games. I will probably play video games more than you would like me to. Get over it. You watch Sex and the City, Desperate House Wives, and other soap operas more than I would like you to. The video games indulge my want to be things that I otherwise could not be, and I understand that your soaps indulge your wants for things that you could otherwise not have.
12. Jack Bauer, from 24, is my hero. It is quite all right with me for you to think he is sexy. If I could be him, I would. I promise, I will do my best to emulate his persona.
13. I do not want you around every waking hour of my life. As a matter of fact, the more that you are around, the less I want to see you. My advice is to limit any phonecalls to 1 time per day, and to not expect me to talk for more than 10-15 minutes. We talked yesterday and my life is not exciting enough for us to have more than 10 minutes worth to talk about.
14. Sometimes, I will be the perfect boyfriend. Sometimes I will be an asshole and make you want to kick me in the nuts. Sometimes you will be the perfect girlfriend. Sometimes you will make me wish it was socially acceptable to hit women.
15. I will sometimes stare at other girls, even in your presence. I cannot help the fact that I am physically attracted to other women. Realize, that just because I do so, it does not mean that I am going to leave you. I know you would rather that I look like Brad Pitt or Matthew Mcconaughey. It doesn't bother me.
16. If you start getting fat and I begin losing my physical attraction to you, you had better acquire another trait that is attractive to me to replace it, or go on a diet.
17. I want you to be physically attracted to me as much as I want to be physically attracted to you. If I start getting fat, tell me. I don't want to be fat, and I might need you to point it out to me. Men, who are not pussies, believe they are sexy all the time. I will be sexy for you if I am capable.
18. My dog is my best friend. I love her very much. If you do not also love my dog, I cannot love you. If you don't like dogs, but you love me, learn to love dogs. I will not give up my dog for any woman on this earth. That includes Heidi Klum, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston.
19. Just because I don't treat you like a queen, doesn't mean that I don't view you as my queen. If I were king of the world, you would be queen of the world.
20. The only time I will cry is when a close friend, a close family member, or my dog dies. As a matter of fact, I DO view crying as a weakness. If I were to ball at every sensitive turn in a movie, or whatever other reason, how could you possible trust my emotional state in a crisis. In a time of crisis, I take pride in that fact that I can maintain my cool and keep a clear head. It makes me a better person and also better able to make trustable decisions.
21. DO NOT EVER tell me how to drive. I know how. If my driving makes you uncomfortable, you may tell me so. I do not need any suggestions on how to change it. Refer to rule #7 for the rest.
22. If I am not talking, it means that I have nothing to say. If silence makes you uncomfortable, call one of your girlfriends.
23. Learn to like the TV shows that I watch, or do not bother me during the times they are on. I promise to do the same for you.
24. If you suggest we go out to eat, be prepared to pay. I consider your "suggestion" as an invitation. Besides, you are a modern woman anyway, right?
25. I am not a great cook, but I have learned a few things during the time that I have been single. The things that I do fix, I fix because I like them and I am good at it. DO NOT attempt to give me cooking suggestions. If you don't like what I make, then tell me and I will see to it that you don't have to eat it anymore.
26. I am not a picky eater. This is an acquired trait that I also learned while I was single. If your cooking sucks, I may not know it. So, if someone else comes along and doesn't like it, don't blame me for not telling you beforehand.
27. I do want to have children, just not at the moment. I fully expect to have both sons and daughters. Be sure you provide me with both when the time comes.
28. I will go hunting. I will kill small helpless animals. I would prefer it if you were by my side while doing so. That is sexy to me. If you won't do so, it is OK though. Remember, you have boobs and aren't fat, so you don't need to pull this one out immediately.
29. Learn to drink beer. It is cheap. It also gives us something else in common. I know you don't like it now, but I promise, after the first time you get drunk off of it, you will love it.
30. I will make you feel special enough to make you stay with me, as long as you are worth the effort and can maintain my love.
I know that many of you guys won't agree with this post completely. But remember, this is from men who aren't pussies.
Here we go!
1. I will not go to the store to buy you any kind of feminine product. If you ask, I will say no, and then politely tell you that you should do it yourself. If you persist, I will get pissed and then walk away and ignore you.
2. I will buy you flowers on occasion, as long as that occasion is not your birthday, Valentine's Day, or an anniversary. If you receive flowers, it will be because I felt like you deserved them and couldn't help myself.
3. I am a perverted bastard and I do want to get you naked. If it were socially acceptable, I would want you naked in my private presence 100% of the time.
4. Because I am not a pussy, I don't expect to know where you are all the time. In fact, unless I ask for the information, just conveniently forget to tell me. Because if I don't ask, I don't care. Only insecure pussy men have to stalk their girlfriends.
5. I am with you because I am attracted to you, in many ways, and I enjoy spending my time with you. There is no need to ask me questions that are meant to console your insecurities. Take the fact that I am with you as your consolation.
6. I would prefer it if you were the "ideal" body size and shape. I want a girl with a super model body and a 130 IQ. If you do not meet these specifications, it does not mean that I don't love you. Remember, I would also like to be a Jedi, and have Neo's powers. I understand the impossibility of those wishes and am willing to live with less.
7. If I am not pleasing you, in any way you can think of, feel free to tell me about it. I will consider your request and do 1 of 2 things. I will either realize that you are right and attempt to adjust things adequatly, or I will do my best to explain to you why I am incapable of fullfilling your request. If the second is the case, and you cannot deal with it, you know what you can do.
8. When you are on your period, it is OK to let me know. And I will fully expect you to alert me during PMS. When it starts, tell me. This way I know when you are going to act more stupid than normal. This way I can adjust to provide logic for two people and not just myself.
9. I LOVE BOOBS! I am sorry. I can't help it. I will try to touch yours on occasion. Please, be prepared for this and don't act surprised when I do so. If you do not want them to be touched, just humor me for 5 seconds. I will get my fill and leave you alone.
10. Feel free to touch me any place, at any time. I will more than likely like it. If I do not, I will let you know.
11. I play video games. I will probably play video games more than you would like me to. Get over it. You watch Sex and the City, Desperate House Wives, and other soap operas more than I would like you to. The video games indulge my want to be things that I otherwise could not be, and I understand that your soaps indulge your wants for things that you could otherwise not have.
12. Jack Bauer, from 24, is my hero. It is quite all right with me for you to think he is sexy. If I could be him, I would. I promise, I will do my best to emulate his persona.
13. I do not want you around every waking hour of my life. As a matter of fact, the more that you are around, the less I want to see you. My advice is to limit any phonecalls to 1 time per day, and to not expect me to talk for more than 10-15 minutes. We talked yesterday and my life is not exciting enough for us to have more than 10 minutes worth to talk about.
14. Sometimes, I will be the perfect boyfriend. Sometimes I will be an asshole and make you want to kick me in the nuts. Sometimes you will be the perfect girlfriend. Sometimes you will make me wish it was socially acceptable to hit women.
15. I will sometimes stare at other girls, even in your presence. I cannot help the fact that I am physically attracted to other women. Realize, that just because I do so, it does not mean that I am going to leave you. I know you would rather that I look like Brad Pitt or Matthew Mcconaughey. It doesn't bother me.
16. If you start getting fat and I begin losing my physical attraction to you, you had better acquire another trait that is attractive to me to replace it, or go on a diet.
17. I want you to be physically attracted to me as much as I want to be physically attracted to you. If I start getting fat, tell me. I don't want to be fat, and I might need you to point it out to me. Men, who are not pussies, believe they are sexy all the time. I will be sexy for you if I am capable.
18. My dog is my best friend. I love her very much. If you do not also love my dog, I cannot love you. If you don't like dogs, but you love me, learn to love dogs. I will not give up my dog for any woman on this earth. That includes Heidi Klum, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston.
19. Just because I don't treat you like a queen, doesn't mean that I don't view you as my queen. If I were king of the world, you would be queen of the world.
20. The only time I will cry is when a close friend, a close family member, or my dog dies. As a matter of fact, I DO view crying as a weakness. If I were to ball at every sensitive turn in a movie, or whatever other reason, how could you possible trust my emotional state in a crisis. In a time of crisis, I take pride in that fact that I can maintain my cool and keep a clear head. It makes me a better person and also better able to make trustable decisions.
21. DO NOT EVER tell me how to drive. I know how. If my driving makes you uncomfortable, you may tell me so. I do not need any suggestions on how to change it. Refer to rule #7 for the rest.
22. If I am not talking, it means that I have nothing to say. If silence makes you uncomfortable, call one of your girlfriends.
23. Learn to like the TV shows that I watch, or do not bother me during the times they are on. I promise to do the same for you.
24. If you suggest we go out to eat, be prepared to pay. I consider your "suggestion" as an invitation. Besides, you are a modern woman anyway, right?
25. I am not a great cook, but I have learned a few things during the time that I have been single. The things that I do fix, I fix because I like them and I am good at it. DO NOT attempt to give me cooking suggestions. If you don't like what I make, then tell me and I will see to it that you don't have to eat it anymore.
26. I am not a picky eater. This is an acquired trait that I also learned while I was single. If your cooking sucks, I may not know it. So, if someone else comes along and doesn't like it, don't blame me for not telling you beforehand.
27. I do want to have children, just not at the moment. I fully expect to have both sons and daughters. Be sure you provide me with both when the time comes.
28. I will go hunting. I will kill small helpless animals. I would prefer it if you were by my side while doing so. That is sexy to me. If you won't do so, it is OK though. Remember, you have boobs and aren't fat, so you don't need to pull this one out immediately.
29. Learn to drink beer. It is cheap. It also gives us something else in common. I know you don't like it now, but I promise, after the first time you get drunk off of it, you will love it.
30. I will make you feel special enough to make you stay with me, as long as you are worth the effort and can maintain my love.