Jokes

[lucy-anader]

post new jokes

i got 1.......... ur moms like a clock, every hour she eats a "ding dong ding dong"

post some more

[mattroe+)]

here is some poetry about your mom

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I slept with your mom last night, now it burns when I pee. +/

[Esko]

here is some poetry about your mom

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I slept with your mom last night, now it burns when I pee. +/

Lame...just...momah jokes make me annoyed.

[Forest_Archer]

Ah, you guys are pervs. /close

[darth_mario]

lmfao my turn now man k

ummm

wuts kewler than killing da eneme inchantres? killing ur inchantres :D:D:D:D

lmfao!!!!1

[Esko]

sure...;)

[darth_mario]

o i 4got 2 put the funne part n lmfao


da funne part iz dat i still win evn after killin my inchantres ;)

[Esko]

:dry: Close this thread??

[Angelic-Hotfox]

considering that this thread is one of lucy-anader's more....thoughtful threads, I think we should leave this open. ;)

[Zander]

woah i brought you from one red to 3 green. i have no idea how i did that.

[mattroe+)]

considering that this thread is one of lucy-anader's more....thoughtful threads, I think we should leave this open. ;)

*checks lucy-anders other threads*


After a review of his threads all I have to say is: Dam lucy-anader pwnzers all, him and his lone archers kick ass screw SI im joining them +)

[Lone2Wolf]

Isn't Darth Mario like the best?

[Esko]

Take ur "+)" with ya

[Sangro]

Hey.... I made this joke up +)
Why did the boy pepsi dump the girl pepsi?


Because she was flat!!!!!

RoflWaffles are being cooked...

[Supersmiley :-)]

Erm... I GOT ONE!

Theres the two muffins in a oven. one muffin says "boy its hot in here" then the othe rmuffin say "AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN" :lol:

[Asianpride55]

^^^ I liked that one nice clean comedy.

[Esko]

This is jsut too much...seriously ;)

[Asianpride55]

What do you mean Esko?

[Jaymee_]

I thought this was really funny:

Better relationship
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[Asianpride55]

that was a good joke :). A married adult would understand that problem not me I'm still young.

[Jaymee_]

Sorry, I forget not everyone is married, lol. How's this one:


Newly issued alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

[Asianpride55]

Eh I don't really get it...

[AlabamaBoy]

Both of those were beautiful jay.

Married + Watched friends do dumb stuff when drunk.

....yes friends
<.<
>.>

[Trojan Odyssey]

Ok well this isint really a joke, but its funny and you should try it. After you have been to say a restaurant and you have had some drinks and getting a taxi home. Go outside and sometimes you will see a bunch of taxis parked together. Go to the first taxi and tell the driver if they take you home you will give them sweet hot sex. The driver should say no, unless its a weird taxi driver ;) Go to all the other taxis and say the same thing except for the last taxi driver. When you get to his/her car get in like normal and tell him where you want to go. Then while driving past the other taxis get out of the window and smile at them all and with a thumbs up and say "I got lucky" :p

[death of humans]

lmao thats a good one to try

[Jaymee_]

Looking to buy a frog?
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.


After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[AlabamaBoy]

I wish i had that rat :(

[the_king]

a man walks into a bar, the side of his face is all swollen and lumpy and bruised. his friend says"man what happened to you?" the guy replies"i called my girlfriend a cheap whore" the friend then says "well what did she do to you?" "she hit me with her bag of nickels!

[Jaymee_]

LOL, good one King. I got some:


Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

[Lex]

A man walked into a bar, a second man walked into the same bar, the third man ducked.:)

[AlabamaBoy]

The Q/A was the best jay

[Jaymee_]

lol Bam thanks, you should check out the joke section on TDP forums. There are some jokes I can't post here that I put there... : )

[AlabamaBoy]

ooo sounds hawt, ill check it out

[Jaymee_]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[AlabamaBoy]

Jay thats one of the most horrible things I have every heard. lmao

[Jaymee_]

Lol, I thought it was hilarious.

[Kelwin Yuan]

Man those jokes are good. :D

[warkiller]

Here is another one:
There are three people on an elevator, a guy, a blonde woman and a brunnet woman.
The guy has really bad hair problems, so the brunnet says " let's give him 'head & sholders'"
And the Blonde woman says " ok, i know how to give him head, but how do i give him shoulders?"
:D, original :)

[Chaos 4.0]

A blonde, Brunette, and a Red Head were stealing from a farmer's farm. The farmer hears something and walks out to the barn. The red head hid with the cows, the brunette hid with the chickens and the blonde hid with potatoes. When the farmer walks by the cows, the red head goes "Mooooo.... Mooooo..." and the farmer walks past. When he walks by the chickens, the brunette goes "Bock, bock!!" and he walks past. When he comes to the potatoes, the blonde says "Potato, potato, potato" and the farmer shoots her.

[Jaymee_]

Chaos that is funny.. Ironically I love blonde jokes, as I am a blonde myself. :)



What is intelligence?
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ?intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[Chaos 4.0]

When I tell blonde jokes, I mean no offense to blondes. They're the same as anyone else in the world. I'm starting to think that whenever I do a blonde joke, I should add the word "dumb" before it so blondes aren't offended.
Oh, yeah! I need a joke. Ironically, another blonde joke.

How do you kill a DUMB blonde? Answer: Throw a scratch and sniff stick at the bottom of a pool.

[Ol' Time]

Here's a very good one:

What do you do when you see a blonde throw a pin?

Run like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!

[Chaos 4.0]

Hah, nice one. Here's another one:

How do you kill a submarine full of dumb blondes? Answer: Knock on the hatch.

[Jaymee_]

LMBO, Chaos, that was great!! ^^


Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

[AlabamaBoy]

Jay, I love you, in a platonic friendly sort of way...... if you are jay stop reading here.


And by the way, there is such a thing as the perfect man.

He is....me.

















Or maybe.... its something completly different, and im gonna do a lame take off of your joke, just to further illustrate the point that women never listen.

[Jaymee_]

Ha ha Bam :)

http://img4.imageslash.com/upload/img7/zEqCEs55490_t.jpg (http://www.imageslash.com/show_image.php?file=zEqCEs55490.jpg)

[AlabamaBoy]

o.O is that in Missouri?

[Jaymee_]

Lol, it's some random pic I found.


50 Bucks
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

[AlabamaBoy]

I will do anything, I mean anything for 100k.

If you think about that for long enough, it will be really funny to you.

And wait theres more.

http://img53.imageshack.us/img53/6159/xfactorvs3.png (http://imageshack.us)

[tarvos 6]

This story/joke has some questionable material, but I tried to present it in a clean manner, I relly dont think someone will be offended. If you are, PM me with your angry rants.

I am taking this joke from a very funny funny movie called The Aristocrats.



A jewish rabbi, a catholic priest, and a buddhist monk are on a small plane. The plane has some problems and has to land on a small island in the middle of the ocean. They travel to a nearby camp, and are quickly taken prisoner and tied by the ankles and wrists. The chief seperates the 3 men and tells each one that they will have 2 choices. They can take an instant death by poison dart, or they can meet the aristocrats.

The priest is first, and he believes his church still needs him, and he can continue to spread the word of god on earth, so he opts to meet the aristocrats. They throw him into a big pit, and these 6 ugly looking men go in after him. They proceed to do unimaginable things and unmentionable things to him. The worst things you could imagine, but dont try. They then throw him in the woods, near death, and struggling to even breathe.


The rabbi is next. He also opts to meet the aristocrats, because he has a family and a wife to take care of. They proceed to do the same thing to him as they did to the priest. He is left in the woods, next to the priest, both too shocked to do anything.

The monk is next. He believes he has achieved the ultimate zen, and is ready to depart into the afterlife. He opts for death by poison arrow. The Chieftain then tells him that the other two have met the aristocrats and that he would meet with them after the aristocrats. He remains set on his decision for death.

The chieftain says to him, "Okay, you will be killed later today by a poison dart to the chest.....


But first! THE ARISTOCRATS!!"

[Jaymee_]

I will do anything, I mean anything for 100k.

If you think about that for long enough, it will be really funny to you.

And wait theres more.

http://img53.imageshack.us/img53/6159/xfactorvs3.png (http://imageshack.us)

Lol Bam.. that Hotmom chick is crazy! Wonder who she is? ;)

Funny stuff Tarvos :bigsmile:



Top 10 Reasons that God created Eve:

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

[AlabamaBoy]

And then God made Alabama, and left Eden in the dust.

[Chaos 4.0]

Ha ha Bam :)

http://img4.imageslash.com/upload/img7/zEqCEs55490_t.jpg (http://www.imageslash.com/show_image.php?file=zEqCEs55490.jpg)

XD

[Sangro]

so whats with that airline food?

[Chaos 4.0]

Unoriginal??

[Sangro]

you got me chaos
wanna see something funny?
watch full house it has great family values and some good comedy but thats not a joke lemme post a joke here

A blonde runs to her friends shouting "I DID IT!!" her friends ask "what did you do?"She says" i finished the jigsaw puzzle and it only took me two years. her friends say "two years is a long time"
she says " but the box says 3 to 4 years"

lol

[Chaos 4.0]

It seems that no one can post any jokes that are decent without having a dumb blonde in them. LET'S THINK OF NEW JOKES!

[Jaymee_]

I thought my jokes were good.. they do not consist of dumb blondes.



A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

[AlabamaBoy]

Ew.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear fuzzy wuzzy had no hair, fuzzy wuzzy wuzznt very fuzzy wuzzy.

[dave04]

Belive it or not but us Scottish people do go around in kilts. We are NORMAL people! :)

[MicSpor]

Suuuuure you are.

:rolleyes:

Go back to your box crazy man

:p

[Jaymee_]

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

[Chaos 4.0]

http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l263/imagedude/Ithinkthereisaspyamongus.jpg
It explains it's self.

[Ol' Time]

That's pretty damned funny. I don't have one for now :(.

[Jaymee_]

That's really cute Chaos! :bigsmile:

[Lone2Wolf]

I always thought this was kinda funny.

http://img102.imageshack.us/img102/5056/alphaabs1na6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Shows what a bored mind and a camera can do. :)

[TeXaS LoNgHoRnS]

Can anybody say....

6 pack!!

:p

[†Nuke'em†]

Four Bengals are riding in a car, who's driving?

Highlight for answer:The cops!:

[Jaymee_]

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[†Nuke'em†]

:lol: Thats hilarious.

[Jaymee_]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"


It cost over $1000 to have my wisdom teeth pulled.. : )

[†Nuke'em†]

Ouch that sounds just plain out painful.

[death of humans]

yep and heres my funny picture taken off internet ages ago but still funny:

http://img443.imageshack.us/img443/595/5920yo1.jpg

[AlabamaBoy]

Thats evil :)

[Shiznit]

Thats evil :)

But hilarious.

Can anybody say....

6 pack!!

:p

I Can!!!!

[death of humans]

hows it evil

[HoodedH-TDP]

its evil for you because you dont get a ride lol

[death of humans]

i dont if i get a ride im a perv so all i want is some B**BS

[Apocalypse0375]

Answer these questions...

Are you gay?


Does your mom know your gay?

:)

[death of humans]

lol i know were i heard that last(its at the end when the guy is talking to his trooops): click (http://www.explosm.net/movies/16/)

[†Nuke'em†]

Two guys walk into a bar... dam you think one of them woulda seen it.

[Chaos 4.0]

http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l263/imagedude/Igotaflavor.jpg
Another one.
Anyone wanna see all I got?

[death of humans]

beat this:

http://img144.imageshack.us/img144/7264/60105760a60114687b67863kd0.jpg

yeah its a lil small but if if you try and make it bigger it goes fuzzy :(

[celdem2]

i got one your moms so fat she's fat ooooooowned :D

[death of humans]

:dry: should be in the you mum jokes here (http://www.tacticsarena.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26925)

[Shiznit]

Okay, There were 3 guys on the gate to heaven. The guardian angel says "So....How'd you die?"


1st Guy: Okay....I heard from some of my wifes co-workers that she had been cheating on me. So I talked to my boss and he said to go home early and check it out. So thats exactly what I did. I walked up to the door, turned the knob quietly, then threw open the door. I walked in and my wife was naked. I blew up. I started screaming at her "Where is he?!! Wheres the man?!?!?!" She denied everything of course. I looked everywhere in our room, under the bed, in the closet. I looked around throwing everthing everywhere. I walked out on the balcony and THERE HE WAS! I started pounding on this guys hands. But this guy was muscular and wouldn't let go! I went and got hammer and started again! Eventually he fell down into the bushes. But i wasnt satisfied. He did my wife. So i went and tore the refriderator from the wall and rolled it out there and pushed it on top of him. Little did I know my shirt got caught in all the confusion and I fell. And here I am.

2nd Guy: Okay I was working out out on my balcony. I was listening to my tunes when I lost consentration and fell off my balcony. Lucky for me the nice couple below me has a balcony too. I grabbed it and was about to pull myself up when the owner came out and started pounding on my hands! I wouldn't budge though. He left so I was gonna do my best and pull myself up AGAIN! He comes out WITH A HAMMER and starts bashing my hands. It hurt soo bad, so i dropped down into the bushes below, barely awake. I look up with the little strength I have left and I see a refridgerator plundering after me. Next thing i know. I'm here.

3rd Guy: Imagine This.................. Naked........................... In a Refrigerator!

I got more. Just say the word!:bigsmile:

[Jaymee_]

Ha ha

I'll have to get another joke up soon.. can't right now though. Dial up takes too long to load anything.

[AlabamaBoy]

Jaymee is here!

[death of humans]

Okay, There were 3 guys on the gate to heaven. The guardian angel says "So....How'd you die?"


1st Guy: Okay....I heard from some of my wifes co-workers that she had been cheating on me. So I talked to my boss and he said to go home early and check it out. So thats exactly what I did. I walked up to the door, turned the knob quietly, then threw open the door. I walked in and my wife was naked. I blew up. I started screaming at her "Where is he?!! Wheres the man?!?!?!" She denied everything of course. I looked everywhere in our room, under the bed, in the closet. I looked around throwing everthing everywhere. I walked out on the balcony and THERE HE WAS! I started pounding on this guys hands. But this guy was muscular and wouldn't let go! I went and got hammer and started again! Eventually he fell down into the bushes. But i wasnt satisfied. He did my wife. So i went and tore the refriderator from the wall and rolled it out there and pushed it on top of him. Little did I know my shirt got caught in all the confusion and I fell. And here I am.

2nd Guy: Okay I was working out out on my balcony. I was listening to my tunes when I lost consentration and fell off my balcony. Lucky for me the nice couple below me has a balcony too. I grabbed it and was about to pull myself up when the owner came out and started pounding on my hands! I wouldn't budge though. He left so I was gonna do my best and pull myself up AGAIN! He comes out WITH A HAMMER and starts bashing my hands. It hurt soo bad, so i dropped down into the bushes below, barely awake. I look up with the little strength I have left and I see a refridgerator plundering after me. Next thing i know. I'm here.

3rd Guy: Imagine This.................. Naked........................... In a Refrigerator!

I got more. Just say the word!:bigsmile:


heard that 2 years ago from a mate at school but still hilarious none-the-less

[C4nt t0uch th1s]

These videos are preaty funny. I got them off of www.funnyjunk.com

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/495/Real+Life+GTA/

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/553/Gollum+Rap/


http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/228/Dont+Cyber+In+Holland/
Enojy ~c4nt

[Cortez]

Heres a joke! This thread.

[death of humans]

funnyjunk is old but its still got the goods but heres the best one they got:

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/568/The+Mootrix/


the cow should of won :D

or the best one could be this one:

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/549/4+Idiots/

[Shaddix]

Well I do know this one joke. Um, there's this mollusk see? And he walks up to the sea, well he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually the mollusk isn't moving. He's in one place, and then the sea cucumber, well they-- I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a seas cucumber. None of them were walking so forget that I--

[Shiznit]

Nemo Pwns, End of Story.

[Chaos 4.0]

Neve rlet it die! Live, thread, live!

[AlabamaBoy]

Me : Hey thats a nice dress.

Him : Thanks it was 50% off

Me : How about you come over and get it 100% off.

Him : *Gasp*

[Jonathon]

Me : Hey thats a nice dress.

Him : Thanks it was 50% off

Me : How about you come over and get it 100% off.

Him : *Gasp*

Wait? What is a guy doing wearing a dress :confused:

[AlabamaBoy]

He was a hippie. Maybe it was Dresicos.

[Jaymee_]

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me."

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."

Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a hillbilly?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a hillbilly or not?"

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"

The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"

[Shaddix]

Neve rlet it die! Live, thread, live!

hahaha, when read that I thought of Dave Chappelle, live , breath, life, ohhhhh life, this is the most ballin shit eva, and it's happenin in my kitchen

[Jaymee_]

Heres a joke! This thread.

If you don't like it.. don't read it. I thought that was common sense, guess some people have to be told these things.

[Shiznit]

Heres a joke! This thread.
Owned...

He was a hippie. Maybe it was Dresicos.
Owned...

If you don't like it.. don't read it. I thought that was common sense, guess some people have to be told these things.

And Owned. :bigsmile:

[AlexB]

ok... ive got a bad one.... i really bad and racist one. FYI i am not racist just tellin a joke :

So there is this jet flying over the ocean. Everything is going fine until an engine breaks down. The co-pilot says captain, we have to lose some cargo or else we will crash. So the captain gets over the intercom and says sorry folks but we have to drop your bags to continue flying. So they dump the bags out. Everthing continues fine until another engine breaks down again! The captain again signals for cargo to be dropped, but this time they dump the last of it. The remaining engines runs fine for about 20 minutes then THUD! There is only one engine remaining. The co-pilot says sir we have to lose some more weight but we have none to lose! The captain says hmm.... lets have passengers jump out. The co-pilot says that the only fair way is to go by alphabetical order. So the captain gets on the intercom and says africans, blacks, and colored people get to the back of the plan, you will have to grab a parachute and jump. A lack 13 year old wakes his dad up and says Dad we gotta jump! The dad then says.... Not today son, today were nigers.....


and there is my horrible racist joke

[OFFLINE]

no chuck norris jokes? cause i got a good one

[AlexB]

o i got sum of thos too

[OFFLINE]

wana have a chucky nor nor joke-a-thon?

[AlexB]

nah... lets just rip sum chuck norris jokes.......


if you can see chuck norris .... your screwed..... if you cant see chuck norris..........................HES RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!

[OFFLINE]

ok i got a joke

theres this pirate ship and one day everything was going smothly until a working comes up to the captian and says "CAPTIAN CAPTIAN theres an enimy ship aproching the the horizon" the captian says "Bring me my red shirt" the working, confused, says "ok" and brings him his red shirt. They eventualy won the battle the nexted day on the worker goes up to the captian again and says "wow that was amazing, but befor the battle why did u ask me to bring u a red shirt?" the captian said" because if i get stabed and there is blood the crew will contuinue to fight" the worker goes" oh wow thats amazing" so after the converstation the worker goes on and does his job. A few days later the worker goes up the the captian and says "CAPTIAN CAPTIN 20 enimy ships apriching on the horizon" then the captian replies "bring me my brown pants"

[OFFLINE]

chuck norris joke: there is no such things as lezbians, there are only women who have not met chuck norris

[AlexB]

ok i got a joke

theres this pirate ship and one day everything was going smothly until a working comes up to the captian and says "CAPTIAN CAPTIAN theres an enimy ship aproching the the horizon" the captian says "Bring me my red shirt" the working, confused, says "ok" and brings him his red shirt. They eventualy won the battle the nexted day on the worker goes up to the captian again and says "wow that was amazing, but befor the battle why did u ask me to bring u a red shirt?" the captian said" because if i get stabed and there is blood the crew will contuinue to fight" the worker goes" oh wow thats amazing" so after the converstation the worker goes on and does his job. A few days later the worker goes up the the captian and says "CAPTIAN CAPTIN 20 enimy ships apriching on the horizon" then the captian replies "bring me my brown pants"

excellent.... that is awsome, but your chuk norris joke was... a little off

[OFFLINE]

lol yeah it was, i lauhed at ur joke about the plane: hallrious

[AlexB]

lol thanx.... sorry about the racist veiw of it but it was kinda funny ( i was afraid of being shot when i heard it )

[OFFLINE]

lol

[AlexB]

hahaha this is funny and sad

i heard my dog scweeling, so i went upstairs and found that she was stuck in the sink!!! for an hour because thats how long ago my dad gave her a bath..... and this isnt a joke im just telling what happened ( i got negged for it )

[OFFLINE]

i dont get it :confused: In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten to beating them.

[Jaymee_]

ha ha that pirate joke was funny.

[OFFLINE]

ha ha that pirate joke was funny.


Thanks do u know ne good jokeS?

[Jaymee_]

Uh, obviously you have not read this thread. Look back a few pages dear. : )

[OFFLINE]

Lol, it's some random pic I found.


50 Bucks
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."



i love it :bigsmile:

[OFFLINE]

ok heres another

This dude is walking down the beach and he sees a lady with no arms and no legs. So he starts to talk with her, and after about 20 minutes she goes "ive never been hugged befor" so the man gives her a hug. A little later after that she says "ive never been kissed befor" so the man kisses her. now theyve been talking for about an hour and the lady goes"ive never been fucked befor" so the man picks her up throws her in the ocean and says "now ur fucked

[Jaymee_]

i love it :bigsmile:

Thank you

[VAMP7]

What do Santa Clause and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both leave children's rooms with empty sacs. <<Highlight for answer

[Jaymee_]

SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.

His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

[Teh Gray]

Wana hear a joke?


Women Rights..

[Esko]

i know that one..but first time i heard it i was like,"lmao...that's bad :p"

[OFFLINE]

Wana hear a joke?


Women Rights..

lol

[Gamez]

Wana hear a joke?


Women Rights..

I actually laughed at that. ;)

[Ernest the Eagl]

Hello Moto!

HIHI

[Jaymee_]

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question ncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

[Ernest the Eagl]

Why did the blonde have a sore bellybotton?










She hade a blonde boyfriend!

[Memory]

A five year old kindergarden student gets on the bus for the first time to go to school. She comes up to the bus driver and says:

If my daddy was an elephant and my mommy was an elephant, then id be a bay elephant.

If my daddy was a giraffe and my mommy was a giraffe, id be a baby giraffe.

If my daddy was a kangaroo and my mommy was a kangaroo, id be a baby kangaroo.

The busdriver gets annoyed and sarcastically asks:
And if your mother was a prostitute and your daddy was a hoe, what would you be?

The little kid thinks for a second, then responds:
A busdriver

[AlabamaBoy]

No no, you told it wrong.

Q : Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?

A : Because blonde guys arnt that smart either.

[Ernest the Eagl]

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?




she didn't want to get hearing-aids!

[Sith Happens]

Here are some sidistic jokes for you all to scream at:

What's silver and red and can't see?

A baby with forks in it's eyes.


Peter: Mommy can I have a cookie?
Mom: Sure pete just grab one out of the cookie jar.
Peter: But mommy you know I have no arms.
Mom: No arms, no cookies.


A Dane Cook joke:

Dane I think all men want is sex.

Finish blowing me and we'll talk about it later.


Random Grey Nubz on Banff: Dape is a stat whore!

Oh wait...

[OFFLINE]

If jack was stuck on a horse, would you help jack off the horse?:huh:

[Azer]

Lame. The real joke is:
Capitalization is the difference between "I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I helped my Uncle jack off a horse."

Is it illegal to shout movie in a fire station?

[Ernest the Eagl]

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.


stay tuned next week for more blonde jokes!

[steve12]

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.


stay tuned next week for more blonde jokes!

Hah... I got a laugh out of those.

[Cannabis]

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?!?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it. =P

Why dont blind people sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

What do eskimos get from sitting on ice berges too long?
Polaroids.

Hehe. Thats all for now!!
More soon...

[*TBS*_H&]

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?!?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it. =P

Why dont blind people sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

What do eskimos get from sitting on ice berges too long?
Polaroids.

Hehe. Thats all for now!!
More soon...
ha those are pretty funny

[A J]

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?!?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it. =P
Clever. Did you come up with it yourself?

[VAMP7]

Why did the bagel explode?
It had "poppy" seeds

[Cannabis]

I came up with most of those jokes except the holy water one. Otheres I have submitted to sites and all that stuff.

[VAMP7]

so you copied?

[Lone2Wolf]

Bill died and went to heaven. When he got to heaven, he went through the pearly gates and into a hallway. There he saw bunches of clocks that didn't move. So he asked, "Why aren't these clocks moving?" The assistant answered, "Oh, those are President Lie clocks. The minute hand moves every time a certain president lies. So Bill takes a look at Lincoln's clock, and he sees the minute hand moved one place. Out of curiosity, Bill asked, "Oh, that's neat. Do you guys have Clinton's clock?" The assistant answered, "Oh, Jesus uses that for his ceiling fan."

How are Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine similar?
They both have "Put Bill Here".

[Justin Dishon]

I thought this was pretty funny...

A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.

All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.

She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."

One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.

(Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)

[Phantom_Ronin]

I heard this a couple days ago, I though it was pretty funny.

A priest, rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"

[steve12]

I thought this was pretty funny...

A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.

All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.

She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."

One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.

(Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)


Heh.. I got that. Making that word on calculators pays off, eh?

I heard this a couple days ago, I though it was pretty funny.

A priest, rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"

That was simple, and yet really funny. Where did you hear it?

[Phantom_Ronin]

Lol, my math teacher.

[Sluff]

Teachers always tell the gayest jokes...
No offense to any teachers here of course.

[Nutbuster692]

*There is a merchant ship sailing the seas and first mate comes up to the captain*

1rst Mate : "Captain there is a Pirate Ship Sailing our way, what should we do?"

Captain: "Bring me my sword and my Red Shirt"

1rst Mate: "Aye Aye Captain"

*A battle erupts and the Merchant Ship is victorious, First mate goes up to Captain after battle*

1rst Mate: "Captain, why did you want me to bring you your red shirt?"

Captain: " Because if i get shot or wounded the crew would not see the blood and they would continue fighting"

1rst Mate: "Oh, that is really smart Captain"

*The next day, the first mate spots 10 pirate ships sailing their way.*

1rst Mate: " Captain, there is Ten Pirate ships coming our way"

Captain: "Bring me my sword and my Brown Pants"

[Nutbuster692]

ok i got a joke

theres this pirate ship and one day everything was going smothly until a working comes up to the captian and says "CAPTIAN CAPTIAN theres an enimy ship aproching the the horizon" the captian says "Bring me my red shirt" the working, confused, says "ok" and brings him his red shirt. They eventualy won the battle the nexted day on the worker goes up to the captian again and says "wow that was amazing, but befor the battle why did u ask me to bring u a red shirt?" the captian said" because if i get stabed and there is blood the crew will contuinue to fight" the worker goes" oh wow thats amazing" so after the converstation the worker goes on and does his job. A few days later the worker goes up the the captian and says "CAPTIAN CAPTIN 20 enimy ships apriching on the horizon" then the captian replies "bring me my brown pants"


you deflinalty STOLE my joke!!!! first learn how to type 2nd dont steal people's jokes!!!

[Zander]

you deflinalty STOLE my joke!!!! first learn how to type 2nd don't steal people's jokes!!!
:rolleyes:
Jackass.

[Nutbuster692]

Offline I apologize...i just saw the post date on your joke....it was earlier than when i first posted this joke in another thread...I am truly sorry.

[Mithrandir]

Why wasn't Jesus born in France?

Because they couldn't find any virgins or wise men there.:p

[steve12]

*There is a merchant ship sailing the seas and first mate comes up to the captain*

1rst Mate : "Captain there is a Pirate Ship Sailing our way, what should we do?"

Captain: "Bring me my sword and my Red Shirt"

1rst Mate: "Aye Aye Captain"

*A battle erupts and the Merchant Ship is victorious, First mate goes up to Captain after battle*

1rst Mate: "Captain, why did you want me to bring you your red shirt?"

Captain: " Because if i get shot or wounded the crew would not see the blood and they would continue fighting"

1rst Mate: "Oh, that is really smart Captain"

*The next day, the first mate spots 10 pirate ships sailing their way.*

1rst Mate: " Captain, there is Ten Pirate ships coming our way"

Captain: "Bring me my sword and my Brown Pants"

Heard that one from my grandpa like 4 years ago. It's funny though.

[Silver Coast]

Alright, here is one that my friend told me. It kinda sucks, but it's also kind of funny.

"What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?"

..Wasabi :D

[Nutbuster692]

Whats up B!!!

[Silver Coast]

Yep. That's the joke really :p

[Scorpionz]

Put your hand up if you're French.

Now put your other hand up if you like being French!

http://www.psywarrior.com/GermanSurrender2.jpg

[Silver Coast]

I don't get it..

[*Sanosuke*]

Rofl i do.

Knock knock

Whose there?

Gorilla

Gorilla who?

Gorillameasandwhich

[Nutbuster692]

Lol, i get the joke... Your momma is like a mosquito...if you dont slap her she'll keep on sucking.

[*Sanosuke*]

Perv! >.>

[Silver Coast]

Oh I got another. It's not really joke, but you need a long pause before every line. Here it is

I did your mom...






A favor.








By making you...







A sandwich :)

[OFFLINE]

are we aloud to swear in jokes... ok i hope soo

so this little kid and his grandpa are fishing and the grandpa pulls out a beer pops it open and starts drinking and the kid goes "Hey, grandpa can i have some?" the grandpa goes "can your penis touch you butthole"? the kid replies "no" and then after the grandpa pulls out a ciggaratte and the kid goes "Hey, grandpa can i have one of those?" the grandpa goes "can your penis touch you butthole"? the kid agian replies "no", Then the kid pulls out a bag of cookies and the grandpa goes "can i have some?" the kid replies "can your penis touch you butthole"? the granpa says "yes" then the kid repies "well you can go fuck yourself causse these cookies are mine"

[Jaymee_]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

[Jeffery]

How do you get a blonde to screw in a light bulb?

[Jaymee_]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Unforgottner]

Both of those are great, Jay.

[-57-]

I got a joke!

Look at the post above me! He's a joke!

:cool:

[Jaymee_]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Wisher]

Jaymee pwns! lol


--I dunt know jeffery, how do you?

[Jeffery]

Same way you get a blonde to screw everything else, get her drunk first.

[Jaymee_]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

[Supersmiley :-)]

OK these three guys are in heaven. Then god asks the first guy how many times hes cheated on his wife. He says 1,000. then god is like "Oh thats not so bad" and gives him a BMW and he drives away.
then god asks the next guy and he say 100, and then god is like "Oh thats pretty good" and gives him a Lamborghini and he drives away.
Then God asks the final guy and he says "zero" so go gives him a Rolls Royce, Porsche, AND a cobra and he drives them all away.
Then the next guy the other to guys drive by in there BMWs and Lamborghini's when they see the other one crying in his Rolls Royce. So they asl "why are u crying" and he says " i saw my wife today, and she was driving a skateboard":crybaby:

[Jaymee_]

http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/4749/be66toughtfulme6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[FreddyAdu23]

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/chinese.jpg

[Maverik07]

Jaymee has THE best jokes.

[Jaymee_]

What is the definition of GROSS?

Dreaming you are eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face.

[kingedward]

Ewwww...

[OFFLINE]

What is the definition of GROSS?

Dreaming you are eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face.

:confused::(:bad::huh:

[Jaymee_]

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”

The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.”

The man says, “And the Viagra?”

“Keeps him from falling out of bed.”

[OFFLINE]

lmao

[kingedward]

Rofl...

[Jaymee_]

What are the four worst things about being an egg?

You only get hard once
you only get laid once
you only get eaten once
and the only one who sits on your face is your mother

[phoenixofflames]

SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.

His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

it...wasn't...in..plum! :eek::eek::eek::eek:

[Jaymee_]

Must have been a typo..


An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

[mattroe]

lol

[OFFLINE]

Did you guys hear about the famous actress that died from legally blonde, it was like reese somthing...

[Jaymee_]

Did you guys hear about the famous actress that died from legally blonde, it was like reese somthing...

Is that a joke?

[OFFLINE]

your suppossed to say

"witherspoon?"

and i say "no with a knife"

[Maverik07]

not funny

[Jaymee_]

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

[wdvfr]

ur mom's so fat, she loves cake

[*Sanosuke*]

A boy walks up to her mom, he says, "Hey mom? How old are you?"

Mom: "It's not nice to ask a woman's age son."

Son: "Okay, Mom, how much do you weigh?"

Mom: "It's not nice to ask that either!"

Son: "Why did daddy leave you mommy?"

Mom: "Don't worry about that."

So the kid goes on the bus to school the next day and tells his best friend that his mom wont tell him anything. His bestfriend says to just look at his mom's Drivers License.

So the boy goes through his mom's purse while she's in the shower and pulls out the License. He quickly puts it away when she gets out. He goes up to his mother and...

Son: "Mom, i know how old you are."

Mom: "Is that so?"

Son: "Yup! You're 38."

Mom: "okay..right."

Son: "You weigh 175 pounds."

Mom: " Right again."

Son: "And i know why dad left you."

Mom: "And why?"

Son: "Because you got an F in sex."

[death rico]

lmao nice ;)

[Supersmiley :-)]

A little more than a dozen years ago i did your mom!
a favor. A made you!
A PB&J sandwich while she was looking at my dic!
....tionary! :eek: :eek:

[gryph89]

A violent explosion killed 3 criminals in the morning, due to various crimes they were sent to hell. Being met by the dark lord himself he quickly stated :

"You may have anything you want, if you promise to bring back your favorite fruit."

Excited the men immediatly returned to earth for an hour and gathered their fruit.

upon returning :

Satan : "Line up." "You're first"

the man appeared before him with an apple. Satan immediatly turned the man around and shoved the apple up his ass. The man behind broke out in laughter as Satan leered his eyes over screaming :

"why are you laughing you have a banana!"

The man nearly in tears simply says :

"The dude behind me has a Watermelon"

[Dream]

Well good thing my favorite fruit is a grape. :p

[I BEAT MATHEWS]

Good thing mine's pineapple.

[Shiznit]

I got one with fruit and butts....:bigsmile:


3 guys were in a plane on there way to a vacation. All of a sudden, the "Please Fasten Your Seatbelt" sign comes on. A few seconds later, they crash on an island, and everyone dies but three guys.

The three guys go through the tree's to seek help, when all of a sudden they're captured and knocked out.

When they wake up, they are tied up and facing a whole tribe of excited Cannibals. One knows a little English and begins to speak.

Tribe member: You men go find 10 kinds of any fruit.. Once you got fruit, come back. When you get fruit, you must shove it up butt without making sound.

The guys look at each other, and decide its an okay deal. They go off.

The first guy back brings apples.

He shoves 1...2...3... and then grunts. Is sent to prison to be prepared for the feast.

The second back brings cherries.

He shove 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8. And then he laughs. He is sent to prison also.

In the prison, the first guy says

First Guy: Why'd you laugh man, you coulda gone free?

The second guy then replies.

Second Guy: 'Cause I saw that other guy coming with pineapples.

[Agent of Chaos]

lol

[Jaymee_]

I got one with fruit and butts....:bigsmile:


3 guys were in a plane on there way to a vacation. All of a sudden, the "Please Fasten Your Seatbelt" sign comes on. A few seconds later, they crash on an island, and everyone dies but three guys.

The three guys go through the tree's to seek help, when all of a sudden they're captured and knocked out.

When they wake up, they are tied up and facing a whole tribe of excited Cannibals. One knows a little English and begins to speak.

Tribe member: You men go find 10 kinds of any fruit.. Once you got fruit, come back. When you get fruit, you must shove it up butt without making sound.

The guys look at each other, and decide its an okay deal. They go off.

The first guy back brings apples.

He shoves 1...2...3... and then grunts. Is sent to prison to be prepared for the feast.

The second back brings cherries.

He shove 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8. And then he laughs. He is sent to prison also.

In the prison, the first guy says

First Guy: Why'd you laugh man, you coulda gone free?

The second guy then replies.

Second Guy: 'Cause I saw that other guy coming with pineapples.


Now why does that joke sound so familiar? Oh, that's right.. Gryph just posted it. : /



A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn’t keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn’t hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s easy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.”

[death rico]

lmao...oow

[Hyde.NN.07]

FPS forums are so lame 2 ppl rep you and u can have 9 milllion rep boxes :)

[High Heat]

Not one joke i heard in this thread was funny, and please stay original, this message is for Jaymee.

Not one thing you've said in this thread, or any other, has been funny.

If you don't like the jokes, I'm sure no one will mind that you simply stay out of the thread.

[Agent of Chaos]

I have Joke.

There's a fat lady who is invited to a barbeque.
She doesn't know what to wear.
Then it hits her.
She goes to the barbeque in her wedding dress.
A man asked why do you have on the dress?
She says "I want to be with my food forever, I do,I DO!"

[Jaymee_]

Not one joke i heard in this thread was funny, and please stay original, this message is for Jaymee.

This one's for you.


Stepping out of the shower, the man observes to the wife, "Don't you think my penis is a little bigger?"

"You wish!"

He persists, so she looks more closely. She professes not knowing for sure.

The next morning the man insists his penis is getting larger. The wife measures it with a tape measure to set a baseline.

Each morning for a week the wife measures the man's penis, and each morning it is 1/4 inch longer. By the time they can see a doctor, another week has passed. The doctor schedules "surgical intervention" and asks if either of them has any questions. The wife asks, "How long will he need crutches?"

"Why," the doctor responds, "Do you expect he'll need crutches?"

"Well, you are making his legs longer, aren't you?"



Justice, <3

[Dark Princess]

Hey people, nice jokes, i got one, u might have heard it before, rate it out of 10 please :)

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

[death rico]

lol.. i give it a 7.

[The Coder]

Why did the CAU noob post outside of CAU?

I'm not entirely sure, but he should get his ass back there.

[death rico]

im not a cau noob lol. why did u even post? did u just want to argue?

[The Coder]

LOL, yea, you are a noob from CAU.

[death rico]

then wut does that make u. just a noob?

[rabbi]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

[The Coder]

then wut does that make u. just a noob?

No, It makes me an accepted member of the forums.

[death rico]

no.just shut up. nice joke rabbi

[Larten Crepsley]

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there"

"Cat-Gut"

"Cat-Gut who?"

"Cat-Gut your tongue?"

=)

[gryph89]

A man recently married his wife Wendy. As a token of his gratification he got "wendy" tatoo'd on his love muscle so to speak. But when he is in a normal state, all you see is "W-Y" Of course, when he gets the mood going you see the whole name.

anyways, the two got married and headed to Jamaica for the week. The man casually walks into a bar where a Jamaican man with a tour guide T-shirt is taking a leak, he walks up and notices something strange out of the corner of his eye. this man's penis also says "W-Y"

"uh...E-excuse me, I hate to sound wierd, but do you have a wife named Wendy also?"

"oh this?" The man said.

"yes, what does it say?" the man said in a great enthusiam

"welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day"

[I MaFiA I]

A man recently married his wife Wendy. As a token of his gratification he got "wendy" tatoo'd on his love muscle so to speak. But when he is in a normal state, all you see is "W-Y" Of course, when he gets the mood going you see the whole name.

anyways, the two got married and headed to Jamaica for the week. The man casually walks into a bar where a Jamaican man with a tour guide T-shirt is taking a leak, he walks up and notices something strange out of the corner of his eye. this man's penis also says "W-Y"

"uh...E-excuse me, I hate to sound wierd, but do you have a wife named Wendy also?"

"oh this?" The man said.

"yes, what does it say?" the man said in a great enthusiam

"welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day"

holy shit lmfao nice.

[Dark Princess]

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"




:confused:

[I MaFiA I]

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"




:confused:

No. You fail.

[Dark Princess]

There's alot of things you fail at aswell, I mean what noob would start a thread about "girl trouble" and ask for advice over the net? so lame...

[I MaFiA I]

There's alot of things you fail at aswell, I mean what noob would start a thread about "girl trouble" and ask for advice over the net? so lame...

F A I L

[Criminal!]

Heh, She has a point.


Did you hear about the schoolboy who coulden't get to grips with the decimals?

He just couldent see the point!

[The Coder]

You're like the things on the wall of my math class. Either "inspirational" and lame or "funny" and lame.

See signature.

[steve12]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"
Funny. :)
No, It makes me an accepted member of the forums.
Every post you make now is an attempt to say that you are better than some because you have been here longer. It's getting quite annoying. ;)
"Knock Knock"

"Who's there"

"Cat-Gut"

"Cat-Gut who?"

"Cat-Gut your tongue?"

=)
Eh...
A man recently married his wife Wendy. As a token of his gratification he got "wendy" tatoo'd on his love muscle so to speak. But when he is in a normal state, all you see is "W-Y" Of course, when he gets the mood going you see the whole name.

anyways, the two got married and headed to Jamaica for the week. The man casually walks into a bar where a Jamaican man with a tour guide T-shirt is taking a leak, he walks up and notices something strange out of the corner of his eye. this man's penis also says "W-Y"

"uh...E-excuse me, I hate to sound wierd, but do you have a wife named Wendy also?"

"oh this?" The man said.

"yes, what does it say?" the man said in a great enthusiam

"welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day"
Where did you get that from? :p

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"




:confused:
Not too bad..
No. You fail.
Shut up. Stop copying other forumers.
There's alot of things you fail at aswell, I mean what noob would start a thread about "girl trouble" and ask for advice over the net? so lame...
Don't bother with him.
F A I L
Wannabe.
Heh, She has a point.


Did you hear about the schoolboy who coulden't get to grips with the decimals?

He just couldent see the point!
Heh.
You're like the things on the wall of my math class. Either "inspirational" and lame or "funny" and lame.

See signature.

Haha..

[The Coder]

Every post you make now is an attempt to say that you are better than some because you have been here longer. It's getting quite annoying. ;)


No, I haven't been saying I'm superior to others. Yes, I do know I'm egotistical. It's almost expected, I'm a teenager. I know I'm annoying, that in part goes with the egotistical part, part of it goes to the fact that I'm just naturally annoying and can't help it, and part of it is that I'm just bored.

I don't flaunt my experience over most, plenty who've been here longer can shoot me strait down. If I know I'm going down, I start laughing at myself on the way down. I actually don't think I've said I'm better because I've been here longer, or anything to that extent.

And I really only bug... Death Rico, Bloodreign when he was here, Mino, and various other CAU noobs. Who've got an ego nearly the size of my own. Usually it's about their grammer.

I guess I shouldn't speak about them though, I started out as one years ago.

And I wonder how many times I've been egotistical enough to use the word I.

[Dark Princess]

What do you call a shop full of nuns?



Virgin mega-store.

[The Coder]

How do you translate fail into numbers?

[kingedward]

|= /-\ | |_

Not numbers, but serves the purpose. :p

[rabbi]

To Steve12, thanks bro. i been lookin for someone who knows how to appreciate a good blonda joke when they hearone, lol. ACK, what the hell happened to my rep, yesterday was 4 green squares :(

This is disappointing.

[The Coder]

Ya rep iz s0 imp0rt@n7.

[savanna]

Whats red, bubbly, and scratches at your door before exploding?

A BABY IN A MICROWAVE!

[Unforgottner]

....

if you were anyone but Sav I would of negged you.

[Jun junkkinns]

Sorry, I forget not everyone is married, lol. How's this one:


Newly issued alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

i know its kinda old but hey its kinda funny like # 4

[Shiznit]

What are the 2 sexiest animals in the barn?...


Brown Chicken, Brown Cow!

[Maverik07]

Whats long, black and smelly?

The welfare line

[D.N.A]

a snake!

[The Anti]

Your mother is like a vacuum cleaner: She sucks, blows, and gets laid in a closet.

[Riot-Girl]

>_>

Your moms so black, when I shot her, the bullets came back with flashlights saying, "Wheres the bitch at!"

[The Anti]

So two brothers have to live in the same bedroom, so they got a bunkbed. But there's still one problem: The older brother likes to have sex with his girlfriend every night. So they make up a code:

"When I say bread, you go harder. When I say lettuce, you go softer. When I say bacon, you go faster. And when I say tomato, you go slower," the girlfriend announces.

So that night, they start having sex. All the littler boy hears is "BREAD LETTUCE BACON TOMATO! BREAD LETTUCE BACON TOMATO!" Then he gets mad.

"Will you guys stop making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!!"

[mino]

Today a chinese couple had the first albino chinese baby, goes to show two wongs can make a white!

[Riot-Girl]

Joke of the year.

[T Solo]

Banff.

[Shiznit]

Sad, but true.

[Shamus]

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
|Where's my tractor?!|

[Riot-Girl]

I get it!

[Zander]

I don't. :(

http://www.tacticsarena.com/forum/showpost.php?p=1006492&postcount=54328