IROK's Book

[Nitanius Nolund]

Alright well, I've already posted this on my own forums, but I'm bored, and I figure that I can get some more criticism on my work. So, I figured hey, why not post it here?

I'm only posting the prologue, though I'malive has already asked me for chapter 1 as well, but I don't know if I'll post it too. Maybe, maybe not. I'm currently writing chapter 3, and I think that I might be able to actually finish the thing this time (I've been writing and rewriting the same book since I was in Grade 7).

So, here we go. I present to y'all, The Shining Force: Black Dawn.

Prologue

It is said that when a man struggles against impossible odds that he finds his greatest strength. But what is defined as the impossible? Is "impossible" merely an abstract concept, or are there concrete limits to define when a task is no longer able to be completed?

Often I would sit and wonder on this. With so many eyes looking to me, so many lives depending on my decisions, every movement, every order was precise and carefully planned. A wrong move could mean the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of soldiers, and each of those men and women represented a dozen civilians. With so many lives hanging in the balance, the loss of one soldier meant one less shield to protect those that could not protect themselves. Every soldier lost was like an entirely family slaughtered. Even if that soldier's life came at the price of five enemies slain...it is a loss I cannot stand to accept. This war has taken so much from me, but I refuse to let it take away mothers and daughters, fathers and sons. Not while I have strength in me.

With every small victory, my men grow confident that we can turn the tide of this war. Word of reinforcements from abroad, lords and captains all swearing loyalty to the Da'alavon, continue to reach my ears. Where this war was once seen as impossible to win, we have proven that the forces of Light are more than formidable. We have proven that human steel can pierce goblin flesh, and that our determination will not be broken by the enemy's rain of arrows.

For now, the enemy has retreated, and though our scouts have undergone minor skirmishes with those of our enemy, we are at a stand still. My scouts have reported that the forces of Darkness have lodged themselves into the mountain trails. Any attempt to force them down would be futile, an no inner strength would change that, regardless of what the proverb says. So, for now at least, we wait.

As the soldiers have continued to join our ranks, more civilians have fled the city for the capital. Those that remain are either servants or unfit to leave. Never would I have thought that Mylaa would become the final outpost of freedom. When I was a boy, I would walk the palace gardens while I waited for General Dolin. I can still picture the lush flowers and their sea of color. I would spend hours there, losing myself in the tranquility of its beauty. Now, the once lush and colorful gardens are dull, colorless, and dying. The same can be said about our hope. Though our numbers grow, each day the sky grows darker, as the final battle approaches. With the Tower of Magery refusing to send us the aid of their wizards, we must look to our steel to bring us through this war. The ioxidine that myself and the other members of the Force possess will not be enough to stop a battalion of liches and other mages the enemies have within their ranks.

As of late, I feel more like a steward than the Da'alavon. My place is on the battlefield, not locked in a city. I feel like a diplomat, overseeing his lands, and it is a position that I am not qualified for. Overseeing the camp should be left to the lords, but it has been another task given to me to perform. And so, when I am not in counsel, I can be found walking the palace gardens, as I did so often as a boy, planning on my moves so that the least amount of bloodshed will be spilled from my men.

I see this battle as impossible, but with so many eyes on me, I must show outward faith. As each day passes, I wish the Light would give me the strength to carry on, to give me the power to defeat my enemies and end this war. I did not choose this path I walk on, and given the choice, I would have given the task of Defender of the Light to somebody else. Already I have felt the loss of my comrades. Three members of the Shining Force lay buried in the ice sloped mountains of the North, their lives stolen by the Darkshire Knight. The champion of evil is more powerful than I, and with every wielder of ioxidine he kills, he grows even more powerful. Master Neos taught me to tame the magic that flows through my veins, to control my power. He warned me that the full extent of my power was enough to destroy the entire world.

Is that the way to overcome the impossible? If so, I dare not unleash it. I cannot send raiding parties into the mountains for fear that they will be killed. How then can I muster the courage to bring forth enough energy to destroy the entire world, even if it means defeating the Darkness? With no world, what use is the Da'alavon, or any force of Light or Darkness?

These questions and more have torn me. This war has defined me, not only as a soldier, but as a man. Each of my morals is being tested and challenged. Is the Light testing its Da'alavon? Or is the Darkness trying to break me? If this is the Light testing me, I will prove my worth. I may not have chosen to be the Da'alavon, but I have accepted my position as the Defender of the Light. Every man has a choice. I chose to accept what fate had in store for me, and though the tasks that lay before me are difficult, it is my destiny to face them, returning the victor or not. If this, however, is the Darkness trying to break me, I will not bend. I cannot bend. Too much hangs in the balance.

This war may seem impossible. But fate has driven me here. Choice has kept me here. Let us see what my destiny has in store. I say come forth, forces of Darkness, for in these impossible odds, I will find my greatest strength.

~From the journal
of Tulaa Kenin

[OFFLINE]

is your name Tulaa Kenin?

[Sacred Silence]

Great job, like I'ma said, post the first chapter! :D

[-=Gun=-]

give us more dammit!

[Nitanius Nolund]

I'll tell you what. Let me finish chapter 3, since that's how far I need to get to send it in to Tor for screening to see if I can get it published. Once that's done I'll post chapters 1-3.

[Sacred Silence]

woot.

[meat.eater]

It's a good read, but you use a lot of unnecessary comma's which screw up the flow of the reading. You probably dont notice them because as the author you simply read the text how you'd like it to sound. The only time you need comma's is when you're listing something or is the subject of the sentence changes.

[FreddyAdu23]

First chapter!!!! Post it!!!

[Dark7]

suprisingly entertaining, id buy it.

I'm sure priest would be someone who could give you some good critisizm hes an english major.

[steve12]

Prologue

It is said that when a man struggles against impossible odds that he finds his greatest strength. But what is defined as the impossible? Is "impossible" merely an abstract concept, or are there concrete limits to define when a task is no longer able to be completed?

Often I would sit and wonder on this. With so many eyes looking to me, so many lives depending on my decisions, every movement, every order was precise and carefully planned. A wrong move could mean the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of soldiers, and each of those men and women represented a dozen civilians. With so many lives hanging in the balance, the loss of one soldier meant one less shield to protect those that could not protect themselves. Every soldier lost was like an entirely family slaughtered. Even if that soldier's life came at the price of five enemies slain...it is a loss I cannot stand to accept. This war has taken so much from me, but I refuse to let it take away mothers and daughters, fathers and sons. Not while I have strength in me.

With every small victory, my men grow confident that we can turn the tide of this war. Word of reinforcements from abroad, lords and captains all swearing loyalty to the Da'alavon, continue to reach my ears. Where this war was once seen as impossible to win, we have proven that the forces of Light are more than formidable. We have proven that human steel can pierce goblin flesh, and that our determination will not be broken by the enemy's rain of arrows.

For now, the enemy has retreated, and though our scouts have undergone minor skirmishes with those of our enemy, we are at a stand still. My scouts have reported that the forces of Darkness have lodged themselves into the mountain trails. Any attempt to force them down would be futile, and no inner strength would change that, regardless of what the proverb says. So, for now at least, we wait.

As the soldiers have continued to join our ranks, more civilians have fled the city for the capital. Those that remain are either servants or unfit to leave. Never would I have thought that Mylaa would become the final outpost of freedom. When I was a boy, I would walk the palace gardens while I waited for General Dolin. I can still picture the lush flowers and their sea of color. I would spend hours there, losing myself in the tranquility of its beauty. Now, the once lush and colorful gardens are dull, colorless, and dying. The same can be said about our hope. Though our numbers grow, each day the sky grows darker, as the final battle approaches. With the Tower of Magery refusing to send us the aid of their wizards, we must look to our steel to bring us through this war. The ioxidine that myself and the other members of the Force possess will not be enough to stop a battalion of liches and other mages the enemies have within their ranks.

As of late, I feel more like a steward than the Da'alavon. My place is on the battlefield, not locked in a city. I feel like a diplomat, overseeing his lands, and it is a position that I am not qualified for. Overseeing the camp should be left to the lords, but it has been another task given to me to perform. And so, when I am not in counsel, I can be found walking the palace gardens, as I did so often as a boy, planning on my moves so that the least amount of bloodshed will be spilled from my men.

I see this battle as impossible, but with so many eyes on me, I must show outward faith. As each day passes, I wish the Light would give me the strength to carry on, to give me the power to defeat my enemies and end this war. I did not choose this path I walk on, and given the choice, I would have given the task of Defender of the Light to somebody else. Already I have felt the loss of my comrades. Three members of the Shining Force lay buried in the ice sloped mountains of the North, their lives stolen by the Darkshire Knight. The champion of evil is more powerful than I, and with every wielder of ioxidine he kills, he grows even more powerful. Master Neos taught me to tame the magic that flows through my veins, to control my power. He warned me that the full extent of my power was enough to destroy the entire world.

Is that the way to overcome the impossible? If so, I dare not unleash it. I cannot send raiding parties into the mountains for fear that they will be killed. How then can I muster the courage to bring forth enough energy to destroy the entire world, even if it means defeating the Darkness? With no world, what use is the Da'alavon, or any force of Light or Darkness?

These questions and more have torn me. This war has defined me, not only as a soldier, but as a man. Each of my morals is being tested and challenged. Is the Light testing its Da'alavon? Or is the Darkness trying to break me? If this is the Light testing me, I will prove my worth. I may not have chosen to be the Da'alavon, but I have accepted my position as the Defender of the Light. Every man has a choice. I chose to accept what fate had in store for me, and though the tasks that lay before me are difficult, it is my destiny to face them, returning the victor or not. If this, however, is the Darkness trying to break me, I will not bend. I cannot bend. Too much hangs in the balance.

This war may seem impossible. But fate has driven me here. Choice has kept me here. Let us see what my destiny has in store. I say come forth, forces of Darkness, for in these impossible odds, I will find my greatest strength.

~From the journal
of Tulaa Kenin


Nice..

I'm just trying to help out with the grammar (Meat is right about the comma bit). I may have made a few mistakes in there. I can see that you intend the voice to be heard as long winded due to the many commas you put in there. It's your choice, but I think you should remove the ones I marked in red, and add the bit in blue. The sentence I highlighted in red was a little odd. Nice job!

[I'malive24/7]

I've already given my feedback on parnon...

I'm just hoping you end up posting the entire book, so that I can read it all without paying :P

Couple things about steve's post:

Don't trust him when he tells you to add "ly" to entire.

And the sentence he highlighted could go something like this: "Word of Lords and captains all swearing loyalty to the Da'alavon, and reinforcements from abroad continue to reach my ears," or something like that. You might almost be better off breaking it into two sentences.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

[Lex]

I've already given my feedback on parnon...

I'm just hoping you end up posting the entire book, so that I can read it all without paying :P

Couple things about steve's post:

Don't trust him when he tells you to add "ly" to entire.

And the sentence he highlighted could go something like this: "Word of Lords and captains all swearing loyalty to the Da'alavon, and reinforcements from abroad continue to reach my ears," or something like that. You might almost be better off breaking it into two sentences.

Anyway, keep up the good work.
Red means remove blue means add, steve was telling him to take out the "ly" in entirely.

[shurtugal]

Nice job IROK, good to see your finally following your dream.

[Gypsy]

http://img295.imageshack.us/img295/3083/180pxtealdeervw2.gif

This must come easy for you, because you post fiction all the time.

Edit: On a serious note, you'd probably have to change names if you wanted to publish this. Sega would ride your ass if you used Shining Force.

[Wizzy`]

http://img295.imageshack.us/img295/3083/180pxtealdeervw2.gif

This must come easy for you, because you post fiction all the time.

Edit: On a serious note, you'd probably have to change names if you wanted to publish this. Sega would ride your ass if you used Shining Force.

Your post matters.

[Nitanius Nolund]

Nice..

I'm just trying to help out with the grammar (Meat is right about the comma bit). I may have made a few mistakes in there. I can see that you intend the voice to be heard as long winded due to the many commas you put in there. It's your choice, but I think you should remove the ones I marked in red, and add the bit in blue. The sentence I highlighted in red was a little odd. Nice job!

Yeah, I typed that up originally at about 1:00 AM, and I tend to go crazy with my commas when I'm tired. I changed it a bit from what I had in my notebook (adding things and rewording others to make it better) and never really looked over it afterwards. I'll fix the grammar in my type-out.

Edit: On a serious note, you'd probably have to change names if you wanted to publish this. Sega would ride your ass if you used Shining Force.

Already emailed the creators of the Shining Force series to see what it would cost me to use the name. If it isn't too much, I'll use it, but I'm already planning on changing the title.

On a side note, I finished chapter 3 last night, and have been preparing everything so I can send it in to Tor soon. If I'm lucky, they'll like what I've written so far, and look into the project further.

*knock on wood*

And of course, when I was typing out the first chapter earlier, I ended up saving it in OpenOffice, so it's the wrong format for me to open up anywhere but the library. So, y'all are gonna have to wait a bit longer for chapter one. When I'm doing typing it I'll post it.

[The Anti]

Great work Nit. I wish you good luck with this project. :)

[meat.eater]

I wouldnt really trust the edit work of a TAOer either, myself included. If you're serious about this, find an actual editor.

[Nitanius Nolund]

I wouldnt really trust the edit work of a TAOer either, myself included. If you're serious about this, find an actual editor.

Well, I didn't exactly listen to all of steve's edits. Some where right (taking out the ly in entirely, etc) but I plan on sending it (when it is all typed up) to Twelve. A TAOer maybe, but a published author himself, and somebody that can give me some insight.

[The Anti]

Twelve is an author/editor?? =0

[Wizzy`]

Twelve is an author/editor?? =0

yyeah, he wrote a book.

[Nitanius Nolund]

He wrote one and got it published, but never told anyone what it was. If memory serves me correctly, the one he got published was a children's book, but last time I sent him stuff to look over, he was writing a novel. Was coming along fairly well too.

[The Anti]

Oh wow. I didn't know that.

[-=Gun=-]

thats pretty sweet i didnt know that either

[meat.eater]

He wrote one and got it published, but never told anyone what it was. If memory serves me correctly, the one he got published was a children's book, but last time I sent him stuff to look over, he was writing a novel. Was coming along fairly well too.

Yeah, I've actually read one of his children's books. I randomly saw it somewhere and recognized his name. I think it was at a church auction.

Regardless, being an author doesn't mean he's an editor. Perhaps you should ask him for the contact info of the editor he contacted, but you need to actually get a professional editor to look it over.

[Magician]

There is one copy on Amazon. :eek:

£11.53! :eek: That's pretty steep for a book in general.

But so worth it. :bigsmile:

[Jeffery]

Guys, the children author is NOT Twelve. That is another Alexander Tullis.

Twelves books are sci-fi.

[Magician]

Thanks for spoiling my moment. :(

[meat.eater]

Adult sci-fi? ...

Hubba Hubba :spiteful:

[emerald slasher]

not to hijack your thread IROK...but what are 12's books? id be interested in reading one...

btw nice job IROK i like it

[Nitanius Nolund]

Adult sci-fi? ...

Hubba Hubba :spiteful:

For some reason I pictured somebody else making this post...

[Justice]

Alright well, I've already posted this on my own forums, but I'm bored, and I figure that I can get some more criticism on my work. So, I figured hey, why not post it here?

I'm only posting the prologue, though I'malive has already asked me for chapter 1 as well, but I don't know if I'll post it too. Maybe, maybe not. I'm currently writing chapter 3, and I think that I might be able to actually finish the thing this time (I've been writing and rewriting the same book since I was in Grade 7).

So, here we go. I present to y'all, The Shining Force: Black Dawn.

Prologue

It is said that when a man struggles against impossible odds that he finds his greatest strength. But what is defined as the impossible? Is "impossible" merely an abstract concept, or are there concrete limits to define when a task is no longer able to be completed?

Often I sat and pondered this. With so many eyes looking to me, so many lives depending on my decisions, every movement, every order was precise and carefully planned. A wrong move could mean the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of soldiers, and each of those men and women represented a dozen civilians. With so many lives hanging in the balance, the loss of one soldier meant one less shield to protect those that could not protect themselves. Every soldier lost was like an entirely family slaughtered. Even if that soldier's life came at the price of five enemies slain...it is a loss I cannot stand to accept. This war has taken so much from me, but I refuse to let it take away mothers and daughters, fathers and sons. Not while I have strength in me.

With every small victory, my men grow confident that we can turn the tide of this war. Word of reinforcements from abroad, lords and captains all swearing loyalty to the Da'alavon, continue to reach my ears. Where this war was once seen as impossible to win, we have proven that the forces of Light are more than formidable. We have proven that human steel can pierce goblin flesh, and that our determination will not be broken by the enemy's rain of arrows.

For now, the enemy has retreated, and though our scouts have undergone minor skirmishes with those of our enemy, we are at a stand still. My scouts have reported that the forces of Darkness have lodged themselves into the mountain trails. Any attempt to force them down would be futile, an no inner strength would change that, regardless of what the proverb says. So, for now at least, we wait.

As the soldiers have continued to join our ranks, more civilians have fled the city for the capital. Those that remain are either servants or unfit to leave. Never would I have thought that Mylaa would become the final outpost of freedom. When I was a boy, I would walk the palace gardens while I waited for General Dolin. I can still picture the lush flowers and their sea of color. I would spend hours there, losing myself in the tranquility of its beauty. Now, the once lush and colorful gardens are dull, colorless, and dying. The same can be said about our hope. Though our numbers grow, each day the sky grows darker, as the final battle approaches. With the Tower of Magery refusing to send us the aid of their wizards, we must look to our steel to bring us through this war. The ioxidine that myself and the other members of the Force possess will not be enough to stop a battalion of liches and other mages the enemies have within their ranks.

As of late, I feel more like a steward than the Da'alavon. My place is on the battlefield, not locked in a city. I feel like a diplomat, overseeing his lands, and it is a position that I am not qualified for. Overseeing the camp should be left to the lords, but it has been another task given to me to perform. And so, when I am not in counsel, I can be found walking the palace gardens, as I did so often as a boy, planning on my moves so that the least amount of bloodshed will be spilled from my men.

I see this battle as impossible, but with so many eyes on me, I must show outward faith. As each day passes, I wish the Light would give me the strength to carry on, to give me the power to defeat my enemies and end this war. I did not choose this path I walk on, and given the choice, I would have given the task of Defender of the Light to somebody else. Already I have felt the loss of my comrades. Three members of the Shining Force lay buried in the ice sloped mountains of the North, their lives stolen by the Darkshire Knight. The champion of evil is more powerful than I, and with every wielder of ioxidine he kills, he grows even more powerful. Master Neos taught me to tame the magic that flows through my veins, to control my power. He warned me that the full extent of my power was enough to destroy the entire world.

Is that the way to overcome the impossible? If so, I dare not unleash it. I cannot send raiding parties into the mountains for fear that they will be killed. How then can I muster the courage to bring forth enough energy to destroy the entire world, even if it means defeating the Darkness? With no world, what use is the Da'alavon, or any force of Light or Darkness?

These questions and more have torn me. This war has defined me, not only as a soldier, but as a man. Each of my morals is being tested and challenged. Is the Light testing its Da'alavon? Or is the Darkness trying to break me? If this is the Light testing me, I will prove my worth. I may not have chosen to be the Da'alavon, but I have accepted my position as the Defender of the Light. Every man has a choice. I chose to accept what fate had in store for me, and though the tasks that lay before me are difficult, it is my destiny to face them, returning the victor or not. If this, however, is the Darkness trying to break me, I will not bend. I cannot bend. Too much hangs in the balance.

This war may seem impossible. But fate has driven me here. Choice has kept me here. Let us see what my destiny has in store. I say come forth, forces of Darkness, for in these impossible odds, I will find my greatest strength.

~From the journal
of Tulaa Kenin

A lot of it the things I noticed you might want to alter are just commas and other erroneous punctuation. I edited one part that really stood out both times I read over it.

P.S. I'm not sure how serious you are about getting this published but if you want me to pick through it all and help proofread for you I'd be more than happy to. I also wanna say that I really admire you for going ahead and writing :) As a writer myself it really intrigues me to see what can come out of other minds my age.

[rainblade]

It seems like a cross between LotR, Cirque Du Freak, and Harry Potter.

I'd read it.

[Nitanius Nolund]

Well, as I said to -57- on AIM last night, I'm currently rewording the prologue. I've gone over it a few times, and I prefer what I wrote in my notebook more than what I've posted, though I've changed it from what I wrote before. I'm currently halfway done chapter 1 (typing, I have half of chapter 5 written by hand) but I have to go over it as well. I need to reword some things (mainly remove contractions).

When I'm done chapter 1 I'll post it.

[The Anti]

Looking forward to it. :)

[The Keymaker]

Already emailed the creators of the Shining Force series to see what it would cost me to use the name. If it isn't too much, I'll use it, but I'm already planning on changing the title.

On a side note, I finished chapter 3 last night, and have been preparing everything so I can send it in to Tor soon. If I'm lucky, they'll like what I've written so far, and look into the project further.


It will probably be a large amount of money to buy rights to the name. Also, I think a original name would be alot better than a name bought from a company.

[Nitanius Nolund]

It will probably be a large amount of money to buy rights to the name. Also, I think a original name would be alot better than a name bought from a company.

One reason I'm going over everything I've written so far. Not that there's much I'd need to replace. I don't use the term "Shining Force" in any form anywhere but the prologue that I can think of off hand.

[Nitanius Nolund]

Well, I have been writing at least a couple pages every day. I now find myself (once again) without a notebook because I have filled up my last one. The book totals 160 pages right now, and I figured I would share an excerpt from chapter 13 (the last chapter I have so far) because it focuses on my favorite character in the book, and it is my favorite piece in the entire novel thus far.

So...hope y'all enjoy.

-----------------------------------------------------

Excerpt from Chapter 13 of "Black Dawn"

"Sir?"

Valan turned from the wall. He anticipated that Ishmar's forces would suddenly appear in the plains that the Kalean Knights inhabited only two weeks prior. He would stand on the wall for hours, waiting to see Taloranki cavalry charging for the city.

In his heart, he knew that they would not appear this day. His Flyers pinned that at Dalwin's Crossing. It would be another week before the battle began. Another week dreading the approaching war. Another wear to tear at his soul.

"Eamon, have you ever questioned me?" he asked.

"No sir, I have not," Eamon replied in a tone that could only be called matter-of-fact. "I am a soldier. It is not my duty to question orders. It is my duty to follow them."

Even when your heart disagrees with them? Valan asked himself. At one point in his life, Valan would have agreed with Eamon. Orders were orders.

But then it happened.

He had been newly appointed a knight - he still saw his father's smile, so very proud of his son - and the king had sent his patrol on an expedition into the Northern Steppes. Rumors claimed that the Wilders, a race of barbarians too primitive to be called humans, were abandoning their mountain homes. To where and what purpose were unknown, but the king was not one to take chances. Primitive the Wilders might be, but their shamans controlled a magic that was foreign to the Knights of Kalea, and the king believed them dangerous. Valan's patrol had been ordered to eliminate them.

Valan still remembered that day, would remember it for the rest of his days. Voltaire had been his captain and ordered that all the Wilders in the region be slain. But as he charged at them, Valan saw their faces. They wore expressions of pure horror, the blood drained from their dirt covered faces. They were unarmed, and unable to protect themselves. They were only women and children; mothers and daughters.

Valan could not bring himself to kill those innocent beings. He dropped to his knees and watched as the carnage - and the brutal reality of knighthood - unfold before his eyes. A Wilder child, a girl no more than six, crawled to him, impaled by an arrow through her breast. She was bleeding profusely. She looked at him with eyes of emerald, eyes that screamed at him. Eyes that begged for mercy. Valan hugged that child in an embrace so tight, he could feel the life slip away from her. He let out a cry so loud that he was sure he had shaken the heavens.

He left that slaughter unscathed, but he returned a changed man. He bore a scar that went deeper than the flesh. A scar that would haunt him through the years that followed. Never again could he follow an order without question. Never again would he be able to see the world in the same light. Had his father seen such brutality? Would he continue to beam with pride at his son if he knew what Valan had been ordered to do that day?

Valan's very soul had been wounded that day in the mountains. He would be constantly reminded of that girl's eyes, the eyes that haunted his every dream. Every day was a constant battle to block out those screams. Every order he was given became a personal struggle.

Even killing Telan, a man he despised and was well deserving of his fate, had not been an easy task. It was an order he wanted to complete, but his memories fought against his desires.

He wished for nothing more than to relinquish his duties. He wanted to step down from the knighthood and hand the Selvane to Eamon, so that he could escape to the far corners of the world, seeking solitude from the carnage; seeking forgiveness from his demons. A forgiveness he knew would never come.

And so, every day he struggled on, constantly watched by those emerald eyes. The eyes of all that was wrong with the world.

[The Anti]

Well, I have been writing at least a couple pages every day. I now find myself (once again) without a notebook because I have filled up my last one. The book totals 160 pages right now, and I figured I would share an excerpt from chapter 13 (the last chapter I have so far) because it focuses on my favorite character in the book, and it is my favorite piece in the entire novel thus far.

So...hope y'all enjoy.

-----------------------------------------------------

Excerpt from Chapter 13 of "Black Dawn"

"Sir?"

Valan turned from the wall. He anticipated that Ishmar's forces would suddenly appear in the plains that the Kalean Knights inhabited only two weeks prior. He would stand on the wall for hours, waiting to see Taloranki cavalry charging for the city.

In his heart, he knew that they would not appear this day. His Flyers pinned that at Dalwin's Crossing. It would be another week before the battle began. Another week dreading the approaching war. Another wear to tear at his soul.

"Eamon, have you ever questioned me?" he asked.

"No sir, I have not," Eamon replied in a tone that could only be called matter-of-fact. "I am a soldier. It is not my duty to question orders. It is my duty to follow them."

Even when your heart disagrees with them? Valan asked himself. At one point in his life, Valan would have agreed with Eamon. Orders were orders.

But then it happened.

He had been newly appointed a knight - he still saw his father's smile, so very proud of his son - and the king had sent his patrol on an expedition into the Northern Steppes. Rumors claimed that the Wilders, a race of barbarians too primitive to be called humans, were abandoning their mountain homes. To where and what purpose were unknown, but the king was not one to take chances. Primitive the Wilders might be, but their shamans controlled a magic that was foreign to the Knights of Kalea, and the king believed them dangerous. Valan's patrol had been ordered to eliminate them.

Valan still remembered that day, would remember it for the rest of his days. Voltaire had been his captain and ordered that all the Wilders in the region be slain. But as he charged at them, Valan saw their faces. They wore expressions of pure horror, the blood drained from their dirt covered faces. They were unarmed, and unable to protect themselves. They were only women and children; mothers and daughters.

Valan could not bring himself to kill those innocent beings. He dropped to his knees and watched as the carnage - and the brutal reality of knighthood - unfold before his eyes. A Wilder child, a girl no more than six, crawled to him, impaled by an arrow through her breast. She was bleeding profusely. She looked at him with eyes of emerald, eyes that screamed at him. Eyes that begged for mercy. Valan hugged that child in an embrace so tight, he could feel the life slip away from her. He let out a cry so loud that he was sure he had shaken the heavens.

He left that slaughter unscathed, but he returned a changed man. He bore a scar that went deeper than the flesh. A scar that would haunt him through the years that followed. Never again could he follow an order without question. Never again would he be able to see the world in the same light. Had his father seen such brutality? Would he continue to beam with pride at his son if he knew what Valan had been ordered to do that day?

Valan's very soul had been wounded that day in the mountains. He would be constantly reminded of that girl's eyes, the eyes that haunted his every dream. Every day was a constant battle to block out those screams. Every order he was given became a personal struggle.

Even killing Telan, a man he despised and was well deserving of his fate, had not been an easy task. It was an order he wanted to complete, but his memories fought against his desires.

He wished for nothing more than to relinquish his duties. He wanted to step down from the knighthood and hand the Selvane to Eamon, so that he could escape to the far corners of the world, seeking solitude from the carnage; seeking forgiveness from his demons. A forgiveness he knew would never come.

And so, every day he struggled on, constantly watched by those emerald eyes. The eyes of all that was wrong with the world.
That is really coming along well, IROK. My favorite paragraphs were these two:

Valan could not bring himself to kill those innocent beings. He dropped to his knees and watched as the carnage - and the brutal reality of knighthood - unfold before his eyes. A Wilder child, a girl no more than six, crawled to him, impaled by an arrow through her breast. She was bleeding profusely. She looked at him with eyes of emerald, eyes that screamed at him. Eyes that begged for mercy. Valan hugged that child in an embrace so tight, he could feel the life slip away from her. He let out a cry so loud that he was sure he had shaken the heavens.

He left that slaughter unscathed, but he returned a changed man. He bore a scar that went deeper than the flesh. A scar that would haunt him through the years that followed. Never again could he follow an order without question. Never again would he be able to see the world in the same light. Had his father seen such brutality? Would he continue to beam with pride at his son if he knew what Valan had been ordered to do that day?


Your story is very visual, and you have great word choice. Keep up the good work. :)

[mino]

Poor wilders. :(

Awesome IROK, I want more!

[Take a Look]

I hate reading.

[The Anti]

I hate reading.

That's unfortunate. =/

[Nitanius Nolund]

I hate reading.

Then gtfo my thread?

[_Thunder_]

I hate reading.

Why would you say that after he put such hard work into making this and spamming a thread. And yes I know you just said "I hate reading" but it was obviously directed at this thread or you wouldn't be posting in it.


Anyway rok, I thought it was great, keep it up.

[The Anti]

Why would you say that after he put such hard work into making this and spamming a thread.

My guess...he's jealous..?

Yeah.

[-=Gun=-]

I hate reading.

tout ça c'est bien beau mais, saquer à haute voix.

[_Thunder_]

tout ça c'est bien beau mais, saquer à haute voix.

Translation: It's all well and good, but saquer aloud.


I don't think I recognize saquer.

[-=Gun=-]

i was going for thats all well and good but i can't read

i need to brush up

[I'malive24/7]

I loved the newest part IROK, tell me when i can buy it :P

[Nitanius Nolund]

Can I finish writing it first? >.>

[-=Gun=-]

you can order it by chapter $100 each

[I'malive24/7]

Can I finish writing it first? >.>

Only if you can finish in under 24 hours o_0

[Nitanius Nolund]

Only if you can finish in under 24 hours o_0

I'm not even close to being finished yet. It won't be any less than 500 pages methinks.

[I'malive24/7]

Good, it might take me over 3 hours to read.

[Nitanius Nolund]

Oh it will. Trust.

[I'malive24/7]

I read 125-200 pages an hour depending on the book :P

I started Ender's Shadow at 8 last night and was done at 11 >.>

[Nitanius Nolund]

Ender's Shadow? Good book. Card's a good author.

But believe me, if I can keep up the quality I'm writing at now (or improve it) then this book will be well worth the wait.

[I'malive24/7]

/can't wait.

And yeah, I've been reading the whole Ender series this summer.

[Hugh Junit]

It's really good, man. I read a ton of fantasy and sci-fi, and I enjoyed it. I'd like to see more.

[The Anti]

I'm not even close to being finished yet. It won't be any less than 500 pages methinks.
That's intense. I'm going to buy this book, most likely. :)

[Lieutenant]

Dood, this was fun to read. Good job. :)

EDIT: For a moment I thought this sounded sort of like The Lord Of The Rings. Tower, goblins, mages, aid of men, days growing darker, but still it's fun. :)

[Sacred Silence]

Irok is ftw.

[-=Gun=-]

i know this is IROK's book, but i just wanted to post something because i don't want to make a whole thread about it.
I was bored on the flight over to Chicago so i wrote the prologue to a story line i'd been mingling on for awhile.


I heard the gravel crunch as I shifted my boot; he gave me a quick look, then nodded. He looked confident; he nodded again and smiled as the sweat ran down his neck onto his already stained jacket. But I knew he was scared, very scared. I clenched the hard metal in my hands feeling the grip, fingering the trigger, darting my eyes away from the hot sun glinting off of the silver barrel. We sat in silence, we breathed heavily from our long run, but quietly as well. The shifting of rocks and a mix of voices filtered in through the window of the abandoned building. I held my breath as the talking and sound of boots came closer; I shut my eyes and sat there. They faded away. I opened my eyes again, the sudden darkness and made my vision vertigo, I saw blaring sunlight and needed a few moments to re-adjust. He popped his head up to look out the window and I readied my gun if we received fire. There was no sound. He looked around for a few moments then looked at me, and nodded. I got up, the gravel scraped as I stood and I waited for the sound of voices and gunfire. Nothing but silence. He set his back against the wall next to the door, then peeked out to look with his rifle sight at his eyes, then dropped it. We all slowly carried ourselves out of the building into the daylight. There was no one. A jeep with a few boxes in the back sat idol in the center of the road. The gravel road blinded me; the sun glinted off of all the empty bullet casings. He walked toward the jeep and laughed. I walked over, the keys sat in the ignition I let out a smile. I adjusted my flak jacket and hopped in the driver seat. He smiled at me and I grinned back at him. He turned the key in the ignition. “Boom.”

[Nitanius Nolund]

It's really good, man. I read a ton of fantasy and sci-fi, and I enjoyed it. I'd like to see more.

No idea why, but this means a lot coming from you Hugh.

Thanks :)

[Unforgottner]

i know this is IROK's book, but i just wanted to post something because i don't want to make a whole thread about it.
I was bored on the flight over to Chicago so i wrote the prologue to a story line i'd been mingling on for awhile.


I heard the gravel crunch as I shifted my boot; he gave me a quick look, then nodded. He looked confident; he nodded again and smiled as the sweat ran down his neck onto his already stained jacket. But I knew he was scared, very scared. I clenched the hard metal in my hands feeling the grip, fingering the trigger, darting my eyes away from the hot sun glinting off of the silver barrel. We sat in silence, we breathed heavily from our long run, but quietly as well. The shifting of rocks and a mix of voices filtered in through the window of the abandoned building. I held my breath as the talking and sound of boots came closer; I shut my eyes and sat there. They faded away. I opened my eyes again, the sudden darkness and made my vision vertigo, I saw blaring sunlight and needed a few moments to re-adjust. He popped his head up to look out the window and I readied my gun if we received fire. There was no sound. He looked around for a few moments then looked at me, and nodded. I got up, the gravel scraped as I stood and I waited for the sound of voices and gunfire. Nothing but silence. He set his back against the wall next to the door, then peeked out to look with his rifle sight at his eyes, then dropped it. We all slowly carried ourselves out of the building into the daylight. There was no one. A jeep with a few boxes in the back sat idol in the center of the road. The gravel road blinded me; the sun glinted off of all the empty bullet casings. He walked toward the jeep and laughed. I walked over, the keys sat in the ignition. I let out a smile. I adjusted my flak jacket and hopped in the driver seat. He smiled at me and I grinned back at him. He turned the key in the ignition. “Boom.”

And I noticed it said "the jeep was idol" or something like that.
If it was idiling for more than a minute, why didn't they just shut it off to save fuel? ;)

[Nitanius Nolund]

It's idling anyway. Not idol. Idol is like American Idol.

[Take a Look]

Well, even though i don't like reading, this sounds very nice.

How much can you earn if all goes well.

[Nitanius Nolund]

It all comes down to how many sales it gets. And since I don't use an agent, I won't have to give them a percentage.

[Take a Look]

Well i like the way you write, I can visualize trough your words, You got talent.

Even tough the concept itself is not very original.

[Nitanius Nolund]

How can you say that TAL? You have honestly no concept of the plot or storyline.

Valan is not the protagonist, though there is much of the story that revolves around his character.

Trust me, I've read countless fantasy books from different authors. I have come up with a concept that is far from unoriginal, and once the book itself is on the shelf (*crosses fingers and knocks on wood*) you will be able to learn that for yourself.

[-=Gun=-]

And I noticed it said "the jeep was idol" or something like that.
If it was idiling for more than a minute, why didn't they just shut it off to save fuel? ;)

ahah, you're funny :p

when i wrote it i meant, it was just sitting there, and wasn't on >.>

[Nitanius Nolund]

I may have lost MOST of the book, but I still have chapters 14-17.

Anyway, I posted chapter 16 on Parnon because it shows the first real battle sequence.

Check it out here (http://parnonbarracks.com/forum/showpost.php?p=201&postcount=2).

[mino]

Nzejin Wanka'rn? That made me giggle.


But honestly, that was great. Epic chapter IROK, well done.

[Xiahou Dun]

Pleasantly surprising to be honest...Actually not bad at all. Your writing style is decent. Unfortunately nobody can comment too well on story from what we've been given all we know so fsr is there's some good guys and bad guys, and the good guys are good and the bad guys arr bad and one of the good guys doesn't enjoy the slaughtering of innocents.

From the two excerpts I have seen I can say that you pull off the sombre and woeful mood with the whole "sickness and evil of war" thing pretty well, One thing I'm pretty sure isn't gonna be a problem but I think I should mention is that stuff like that shouldn't be held up the whole way through the book. There's only so much woeful regret and sickening slaughter a reader can take before they stop being affected by it try to keep the mood changing throughout the story.

Also Goblins are a questionable choice of antagonist what with all the cartoonish aspects we've seen but they can still work if you take them seriously. So criticisms, none. The only things I can see is what could be done wrong in the book not what has been done wrong. Keep at it. It looks interesting enough to read. And don't aim for 500 pages. Aim to finish the story then see how many you have.

Good luck.